I am privileged

I am privileged
I have 'a voice'
I can speak
And no one will bother me for speaking my heart out.
The words define me as who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'a house'
It's not on a enchoched land.
It's not broken into stone and sand.
It's the place where I head back to.

I am privileged
I have 'friends'
They don't judge me,
They don't ask me what I eat, where I pray.
They love me for who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'work'.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.
but most of the time I love doing it.
It has made me who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'dreams'
There are fears, that it won't get fulfilled
But there are means to achieve it.
Hard work and resources are there for disposal.
It will make me what I want to be.

I am privileged
I still have 'my life'.
My tears, my fears, 
my dreams, my screams,
my friends, my foes, hold me together.

- H M Badruzzaman

Our ‘Social Ecosystem’

 We are heading towards our holidays. Santa is all buckled up for his ride from North Pole and we mere humans are planning for our eventful days with our Loved ones, with Family with Friends. These days are one of our most prized possessions. We will always cherish these moments shared with them. I call this environment of Family, Friends, Colleagues and Familiar Faces as our own ‘Social Ecosystem’. Let me tell you one of my boring stories :

Chapter - I

The excitement was uncontainable. Mind was juggling hard to maintain balance between the excitement and the anxiety before the upcoming long journey to my family. Usually the India trips are a yearly event, but this time it came in just 6 months. My father was getting retired after a long service in Indian Railways. This trip was to see my dad before settling here in Austin Texas, where I had moved recently from California. 

Austin is not counted as the bigger cities like Dallas and Houston (in Texas). So its International airport caters to a very few Airline Options - Namely Lufthansa and British. And obviously the return trip to India will have dent on your credit card. To minimize that dent, I had planned to ride a bus to Houston from Austin and then get into a little less expensive flight. In pen and paper, the idea was perfect. Just 10 bucks for the 3 hour bus trip form Austin. And then just a shuttle to the airport and magically I would have saved a fortune. Pat on the back HM :)

I boarded the Mega Bus. My seat was in the upper deck, just above the driver. I settled down on  my seat. It had 2by2 seating arrangement.  No one sat next to me. I congratulated myself for an awesome start of the journey. Window on my right and the wide big windshield in the front, an amazing treat for my eyes was just about to begin. An elderly couple took the adjacent set of seats. I saw there was this dangling seatbelt, which was hitting my leg. I noticed that and wore it. Pushed my seat back and took out my laptop. Suddenly my eyes went to the guy in the uniform down in-front of us,  doing some signals with his hands. He was pointing towards us. I didn’t get what he was trying to do. After few attempts he came to the upper deck. Asked the other two passengers- ‘Sir, Mam you have to put your seat belts on, as you guys are sitting in the front row of the upper deck.’ The man replied - ‘Oh.. thats what you were trying to tell from down there, I thought you are giving some signals to take off.’ The signal was actually very close to the one given in the aircraft carrier for the planes to take off from the deck. And we laughed together. I realized it will be a good 3 hour journey. And as expected, we talked, we laughed during the whole 3 hours discussing topics ranging from the technology I work to how India as a place to live in to the dominance of China in today’s world. And with no time we had spent the whole time and we reached downtown Houston. The gentleman wished me best for my rest of the long journey.

Chapter - II

Dragging two large trolley in my two hands. Adjusting the bag-pack on the shoulder. Making sure my passport bag was wrapped in my waist and frequently enough gazing to my pocket for the wallet and keys. The feeling of good idea was getting some early challenges. I had checked in google, (when I was planning the whole trip) there was a direct bus form my drop-off location to the IAH airport. I saw a couple of city bus were

parked on the other side of the road. I thought, okay that was it. I had to cross the road and my ordeal with the luggages would come to an end. I somehow crossed the road and then dragged myself to the gate of the bus. The lady driver gave me a strange look. I asked whether this bus will go the International airport? She said come up, you have to change from Williams. I  said What? I have to change the bus? But before I could gave more thought to that idea, I realized that I was blocking the way. I somehow took all my belongings and found my clipper card in the wallet, swiped it and dragged me to a nearby seat. The bag-pack was still on my shoulder, I was still holding my two trolleys with two hands. I was sitting uncomfortably. But somehow I was stable. Stable enough to have a glance around me. There was a lady sitting next to me. She was must be in her 60s. She was big. She was wearing a while shirt, which was not so clean. Her fingers were wrapped with bandages, hairs unclean dreadlocks, thick glasses. Before I could turn my face from her, the bus started rolling, and one of my trolly started skidding towards other side, and it touched the person in front of me. He a a teenage boy, wearing a flashy jeans of yellow color, and red T-Shirt. He was holding a basketball with two of his hands. And his thick bronze chain in the neckless was very conspicuous. I apologized to him and tried to hold back my bag. I looked around, there was a strange feeling gripping me. The bus was full of similar kind of people. My eyes and brain couldn’t distinguish one from other. Each one of them seemed so different but everyone seemed so unwelcoming (just my feeling). I could see people were staring towards me. The bus made its first stop. There was an elderly person in wheelchair. He seemed really sick. He was waiting for the driver to drop the sliding support for the wheelchair from the gate. He boarded the bus and placed his wheel chair just in-front of me. The old man in the wheel chair asked me - “Whats there in the bag?”. I looked at him in dismay. I didn’t know what to say. As if it was an out of syllabus question in a surprise test. I answered - ‘Clothes’. I could utter only that. I realized, till now I had forgotten at what stop I had to get down. This time the lady sitting next to me had a question to me - ‘Why am I carrying so many bags?’ I answered him that I am going to india. But based on her reaction, she was not convinced with my answer. I tried to hold two of my large trolleys with one hand and reached towards by phone. I opened google map and started typing IAH airport. Before I could complete typing, I could hear some-one shouting ‘STOP the bus, why ain’t you not stopping the bus? It’s my stop man’. Driver slammed the brake. The bus came to a halt. She shouted her back - ‘You goto request for stoppage man.’ The man shouted her back - ‘Just stop the God-dam bus’. I was uneasy with the conversation. But nobody gave a damn. The man got out and the driver rolled the bus in motion again. I knew I won’t be able to remember the stoppage she told me to get off and also I knew with this full packed bus I won’t be able to go and ask the driver about that and come back to my seat. I thought I will see the map the distance from the airport and after few mins I will go and stand in-front of the driver and ask her the direction for the next bus. But suddenly I saw, the man in the wheelchair had gone and there was a different man standing in-front. He was looking at me and said- ‘You have to adjust your bags man’. I didn’t know what to do. I assumed it’s not a good idea to travel in a city bus with so many luggages. I was nervous, my throat was dry, heart beat was little faster and was feeling uneasy with myriad emotions and vulnerabilities. I managed to tell him - ‘Yes, I am just getting off.’ In a true sense I felt I don’t belong there. In true sense I felt alien. I did not open the map in my phone, rather I kept it back in my pocket and stood up. Got hold of my belongings and requested for the next stop (pushing the button). I made my way to the door and when the bus stopped I got off the bus. I took my phone and opened the uber app. Booked a premium cab to airport. In 2 mins my cab came and got into it. The driver gave me a smile and asked me where am I heading from the airport? I took a deep breath, took out my water bottle, took a sip of water, and realized now I know the drill (the coming conversion  with the cab driver) and told him India… And the expected conversations took me to the airport.

——O——

Most of the part of our day to day life is surrounded by expected activities. Our lingual jargons are so mundane that we don’t even realize that. We see familiar faces, we smile. We meet like minded people, we chat. We get expected tasks, we perform. But when we come across a different ecosystem within our society we feel so unguarded, vulnerable and shaky.

So, mundane is not always bad. Familiar faces are soothing and holidays are best time to rejuvenate the known ecosystem of yours and charge it with all the positivities and zeal. Hope everyone will have an awesome holidays ahead with your loved ones. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year in advance.. :) 

H M Badruzzaman

Happy New Year

 An other year passed with anxiety and fear.

What to do to increase immunity?
Which place to skip to avoid crowd?
Where the vaccine slots are available?
When to take the boosters?
When the anti-viral pills will come?
Will this new normal change ever?

Most mornings started with "are you guys able to hear me".
Talking in length and then realized the mute button was on.
And sometime the mute button stops working when a gossip was going on.
"Have to drop off because I have a conflicting meeting" has become the buzz all around.
And attending multiple meetings at one time has become humanely possible now.

Alpha, beta, gamma, delta and the 'little o' (o-micron), the greek alphabets are the new fear files.
With gaining usual knowledge and finding other knowhow,
through-out the year, everyone has become a virologist till now.
Grief, sorrow, ecstatic, bliss, had their own part to play.
But we kept going, paving our own way.

I don't know whether I have learnt to live the new way of life.
But the new normal is not the normal I love.
With the dawn of the new year, my yearning desire for the old normal is all time high.
And I wish...
I wish this year the faces in the malls, shops will be more than eyes with masks.
I wish this year mornings will be about quick breakfast and searching the car keys.
I wish this year I will book a flight home without worrying the greek alphabets.
I wish this year there will be actual potlucks and not virtual meet-ups.
I wish this year will bring solace all around.

With this hope,

I wish you all a very happy new year..

                                                                                                        - H M Badruzzaman

Happy Friendship Day

It was just another lethargic Saturday afternoon. I was fiddling with my phone. On the other end of the sofa, my wife was occupied with similar activity. The TV screen in front of us was playing random youtube videos. We had started with the big screen watching something together of common interest, but unknowingly shifted to smaller ones with individual interest. It was pretty evident the later was much more engaging. My twitter feeds was getting refreshed. But before it could load the refreshed feeds, the screen flashed with 'Fiki calling.' Fiki, my sister. It was almost 4:00PM here. I did my calculation in head, 2:30 AM in India. 'Why she is calling me at this hour, she never does that'. My heart skipped a bit. I picked up the call. Her rather calm voice - 'Dada, Taanish (my youngest nephew) and his father, both are having very high fever. Its not coming down from 105 C. I don't know what to do.'

Fiki lives with her husband and two sons in the suburbs of Kolkata. My brother in law is the principal of a residential sports school. They have their residence inside the campus itself. But because of the lockdown, they have moved to their (brother in law's) parental home, which is a small village in central Bengal.

She asked me - 'Shall I wash their heads with cold water?' I was in shock, but wanted to show my calmness - 'Its 105?, when did you give paracetamol?' 
- 'They took it few hours back, seems its not working. I am waiting for few more hours to pass to give them one more dose.'

I heard my older nephew 'Ayan' in his soft but crumbling voice - 'Mamoni dekho na, papa kemon kanpche. Ebaar ki hobe?' (Mom, see how father is shivering, what will happen now?)
My siter replied - 'Kichu hobe na papa, sob thik hoye jabe.' (Nothing will hapen, Everything will be fine.)

I asked her - 'How far is the hospital from here?'
- 'I don't know, and who will take us there now? I don't even know how to drive.'
Now she was loosing her calm. Started chocking.
I said wait, let me call Shrikant (my school friend, he is a doctor in India).
Luckily Shrikant picked the call even in that odd hour. He asked, is everything fine? I said wait let me add Fiki to the line. 

He listened everything, 1st thing he did was to calm her down, he said - 'Don't worry. It could be food poisoning as well, as he is having pain in stomach and vomiting tendency.' He asked her to bring the medicine box that she had, and to search few medicines. We were in luck, she had most of the medicines in one form or the other. Starting from antibiotics to high dose of paracetamol to anti-acids.

Next morning, they went to nearest clinic and got themselves tested for covid. Found out everyone one of them (her husband, both of her sons and her father-in-law and mother-in-law) were covid positive. Totally unaware on how to deal the situation. Other than Fiki, everyone one was so weak and fragile. She had mild fever as well, but everyone one else, they were deteriorating very fast. 
Somehow, she shifted her father-in-law and mother-in-law to the nearest hospital and started taking care of rest of them. She noticed the maids for cooking and cleaning and asked them not to come till everyone gets well.

As it was a small village, there were no online deliveries of groceries and food available. But there were few relatives around, who started delivering food to them.

Next few weeks were so tough, I could not talk to her for long. She would start sobbing. I assume we can not train our minds not to think the worst, when it comes about the apprehension of our closest. I was feeling so helpless.

With the grace of Almighty, with time, all of them have recovered or still recovering. And life seemed to be back to mundane chores.

Today when I got the message from one of my other friend, Pintu (Me, Srikant and Pintu were like 3 musketeers in the school. Both of them went to pursue their career in medicine and I tried my luck with engineering) - 'I just talked to Fiki, her husband's sugar level is fine now', I was kind of taken aback to last few weeks.
I was getting similar messages everyday from both of them how they have talked to my sister and the updates.

In these tough times many of us may have had similar situations.
I know few of us have lost our near and dear ones.
And more than often ours eyes might have gone wet.

This pandemic has done a lot of harm, but it made us realize: 
How trivial yet so blessed we are to be surrounded by so many beautiful people, whom we can call friends.
It has invoked the compassion to a new level.
It has made us cherish the present.
It has made us value the people around.
More than ever, I found the importance of listening to someone.
More than ever, I realized, it's not that important to be somewhere in person, you can be with someone from far across the world.
Asking how are they feeling, getting to know about their hardships, joining in the happiness of their gradual recovery, boosting someone's spirit. It made me feel connected.

My this friendship's day is dedicated to all my friends and family who were there  to listen to me, shared my worries and fears, cheered my sadness and bolstered my happiness.

May be you were not near, but you were always there. 

Happy Friendships Day

H M Badruzzaman

The SKY full of Stars

The sky was clear now. Full of stars. Though there were no street lights, the lights from the moving trucks, clearly showing the huge potholes on the road. There were water and mud all around from the last two days' continuous rain. The long queue of trucks were moving carefully balancing and dancing over those potholes. There were small children with their sacks waiting for the trucks, at the end of the turn, to collect the spilled over coal.
From the end of the road, there was a man coming. With each passing truck, the headlights were giving a glimpse of him. Every time the beam of light fell on him, his hands came up blocking it from his eyes. His shirt had black stains all around. Between stains, the yellow color was rarely visible. His trousers were rugged at the bottom. The floater was uneven and used up at the right side of the foot. His short hairs fully covered with dust. His dusky wet face wearing a blank expression walking towards the road. He crossed the road cautiously watching the moving trucks. 

He was Ajju. Ajju was a young man or rather a boy, still in his teens, but he looked much older. There were few men running towards him. They stopped him and one of them asked -
"All are out now?"
Ajju said - "Yes."
The man asked again - "What was the condition inside?"
Ajju replied - "Horror"
Sweat dropped from Ajju's chin. The man, placed his hand on his head, rubbed his hairs, which caused the coal dust scattered from his head, and told with a chocking voice -
"Its been a long and brutal day for you.. You go ahead.."

Ajju nodded, and started walking. He took a turn into the market, where the vegetable vendors were packing their stuffs, carefully folding their temporary structure of the shop and calling it a day. Amidst of these noises, Ajju was still lost and occupied in his thoughts while walking. He crossed the market and was heading towards the platform. He climbed the slope, passed the station name board, and saw a wooden bench. He went there and sat on it, stretched his arms and pushed back his head. He closed his eyes.
There was no one on the platform. The only tea vendor was long gone as well. Right behind the bench, there was the closed ticket counter and a clock hanging on the wall of it. It was just past 11:00 PM. In the dark and silent night, with passing second, the clock was making the sound - tik.., tik.., tik.. 

Ajju was tired. As if his last ounce of energy was struggling with him. With each 'tik...', his mind was taking him to the place he somehow survived.
The sound of water from the pores in the already flooded coal mine. tip... tip... tip..
He had managed to climb on the top of a trolly full of coal. His head was touching the roof of the mine. His hat had a light, but the battery was dying. The silence among the other miners were unmistakable. The words of consolations and bravery had lost its hope. Gradually but quite decisively in the last 8 hours, everyone there, had moved from being cautiously optimistic to silent. They were 12 workers inside an already congested hole flooded with water and somehow clinging to their lives. The path outside was blocked. All they could hear a constant thud and a the sound of dripping water. Earlier they were sure, the 'thud' was from the rescue team and they were trying to get the coal out of the path. But with passing time and the realization of how long and deep they were inside, the sureness was fading.

For every person working on a mine, each turn and each cravings in the wall and each light post inside it, is a symbol or reference to one and just one thing - "How much its deep and far from the ground level opening". So, nobody was asking or taking about that. Everyone knew, it would take hours to clear that thing up. (if someone was clearing it)
Electricity was cut off with the first burst of water and coal mud coming inside the mine. The light on their hat was the last resort of hope and keeping them away from the abyss of darkness. One light would go down, the other hat light would come up, without any verbal communication. As if they all know who is next. Ajju's light was about to die and everyone knew that his was the last. With a few blinks, the light went off. And with it, it's the end of hope for many. The darkness was absolute. Ajju was feeling pain in his heart. Someone was whimpering. Not sure someone or everyone. Their feeble sounds were eating him up and his heartbeat was increasing. In both of his hands he was holding block of coal. He tried to crush them. He could not feel any strength in his hands. He was sure, the end was near. His only wish at that time was to see a glimpse of light through the pores, which had become impenetrable. He closed his eyes.

A train just crossed the platform, and the sound of the fast crossing train made Ajju react and he stood up from the bench in horror. He looked at himself. He realized, he was out of the coal mine. He recalled, how the guy next to him woke him up inside the mine, and pointed to the chain and a source of light from the top. The rescue team was able to make a hole and they were fetching everyone through the chain tied to a crane above the ground. 

His heartbeat was still very fast. Hands were wet. He saw a water tap next him. He went there, yes there was water in the tap. He washed his face and took a few deep breaths. He started walking.  At the end of the platform there were many mud houses. He crossed few and after that stopped infront of one. Ajju's old mother was siting there. She tried to stand up seeing Ajju with the help of her stick. Ajju helped her.  She was very weak and her wrinkled face was full of tears. She could barely say - "someone told me that you were coming".
They went inside. At one side there was a small bed. Next to it, there was a stove made of mud and few utensils. And at the middle of it, there was a plastic bucket holding the water that poured from the hole in the roof from last two days. Ajju sat next to the bucket and his mother gave him a plate with chapati. They ate together without much of a discussion. But their eyes were not stopping and nobody cared to get rid of the tears rolling from it. After the food, Ajju helped his mother and took her to the bed. Wiped her eyes, kissed her on the forehead. He took out the rolled mattress from one corner, removed the bucket and opened it there. He lay down. And while he was sleeping, his eyes went above to the hole in the roof. He saw a portion of the sky with twinkling stars. Today the annoying hole in the roof was a divine sight to him. 

He smiled and wiped his eyes. He thanked almighty for everything and went to sleep. 

H M Badruzzaman

Hope is a good thing.

Hope is a good thing.

When things around us, start

falling apart.

When dreams in our eyes, left alone and dry.

When atrocities grow and negativity thrives.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

When we are worried of our near and dear one.

When we are at fight with the unknown.

When our future is uncertain and mind is horror ridden.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

When we have more questions than answers.

When our thoughts keep thinking disasters.

When our hands move up for dua and prayers to our masters.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

Even in these gloomy days, 

My heart fills with optimism for human race.

"Mankind will prevail" my inner voice says.

When I move back to HOPE's way.

LOCKED in the four walls 😞

But look around, if we are lucky, isn't that our home? 🙂

SOCIALLY CRIPPLED. 😞

But wait, whats that GIGGLE? 

Isn't that our family? 🙂

Restaurants closed. 😞

Whats that noise on the kitchen board?

Isn't that our meal getting ready? 🙂

Hang on there, the wheel is turing.

Lets keep the fire inside us burning.

Again we will shout together on a soccer game.

Again we will soak in sun-light with POS-picnic plate.

Again we will argue in conference rooms.

Again we will roam around the office without any magic brooms.

Till then, 

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

Embrace the New Beginning

With each step, we move.. forward, backward, dribble and run.
And with every blink of eyes the world around us moved on.
The WORLD and WE morphed, changed and flourished.
And as we see this year is almost passing by, leaving us with so many memories to be cherished.

For many of us, our bags are packed and we are ready to GO..
To some planned, some unplanned, some ubiquitous or some rare SHORES.
For some of us, we will just lie back and enjoy the SHOW.
The show thats called as LIFE. The show which is full of SURPRISE. The show full of excitement and AWE.

In our mundane Life, at this time of year we put a Smile.
Smile as we are Happy, Smile to make others feel Special.
In otherwise predictable Life, at this time of year we forget all our Strife.
Forget disagreement, Forget differences as we are Happy. With Good words for others, yes we become Vocal.

When our wishlist has grown High, We often ask 'Aren't we grown up and should be Shy'?
But the child inside us keeps believing - "Jingle Bells, Reindeers, Santa in star filled blue SKY :)"
Deadlines, Code Freeze, Sanity, Regression, Support and Testing CLAUSE.. Sorry, Can't remember.. What are THOSE.. ;)
Let us be in our UTOPIA. With Santa, planned Trips, Dreams and out of all PHOBIA :)

One more year passed. With many accolades and many unfulfilled DREAMS.
There must be a few days with num eyes and many with loud cheer, laughs and SCREAMS.
Its the Memories that we EARN, They will always be precious and wont Return.
As we are standing in the CUSP. Just get ready to embrace the new beginning with a big HUG :)

MERRY CHRISTMASS and HAPPY NEW YEAR...


H M Badruzzaman