I am privileged

I am privileged
I have 'a voice'
I can speak
And no one will bother me for speaking my heart out.
The words define me as who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'a house'
It's not on a enchoched land.
It's not broken into stone and sand.
It's the place where I head back to.

I am privileged
I have 'friends'
They don't judge me,
They don't ask me what I eat, where I pray.
They love me for who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'work'.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.
but most of the time I love doing it.
It has made me who I am.

I am privileged
I have 'dreams'
There are fears, that it won't get fulfilled
But there are means to achieve it.
Hard work and resources are there for disposal.
It will make me what I want to be.

I am privileged
I still have 'my life'.
My tears, my fears, 
my dreams, my screams,
my friends, my foes, hold me together.

- H M Badruzzaman

Our ‘Social Ecosystem’

 We are heading towards our holidays. Santa is all buckled up for his ride from North Pole and we mere humans are planning for our eventful days with our Loved ones, with Family with Friends. These days are one of our most prized possessions. We will always cherish these moments shared with them. I call this environment of Family, Friends, Colleagues and Familiar Faces as our own ‘Social Ecosystem’. Let me tell you one of my boring stories :

Chapter - I

The excitement was uncontainable. Mind was juggling hard to maintain balance between the excitement and the anxiety before the upcoming long journey to my family. Usually the India trips are a yearly event, but this time it came in just 6 months. My father was getting retired after a long service in Indian Railways. This trip was to see my dad before settling here in Austin Texas, where I had moved recently from California. 

Austin is not counted as the bigger cities like Dallas and Houston (in Texas). So its International airport caters to a very few Airline Options - Namely Lufthansa and British. And obviously the return trip to India will have dent on your credit card. To minimize that dent, I had planned to ride a bus to Houston from Austin and then get into a little less expensive flight. In pen and paper, the idea was perfect. Just 10 bucks for the 3 hour bus trip form Austin. And then just a shuttle to the airport and magically I would have saved a fortune. Pat on the back HM :)

I boarded the Mega Bus. My seat was in the upper deck, just above the driver. I settled down on  my seat. It had 2by2 seating arrangement.  No one sat next to me. I congratulated myself for an awesome start of the journey. Window on my right and the wide big windshield in the front, an amazing treat for my eyes was just about to begin. An elderly couple took the adjacent set of seats. I saw there was this dangling seatbelt, which was hitting my leg. I noticed that and wore it. Pushed my seat back and took out my laptop. Suddenly my eyes went to the guy in the uniform down in-front of us,  doing some signals with his hands. He was pointing towards us. I didn’t get what he was trying to do. After few attempts he came to the upper deck. Asked the other two passengers- ‘Sir, Mam you have to put your seat belts on, as you guys are sitting in the front row of the upper deck.’ The man replied - ‘Oh.. thats what you were trying to tell from down there, I thought you are giving some signals to take off.’ The signal was actually very close to the one given in the aircraft carrier for the planes to take off from the deck. And we laughed together. I realized it will be a good 3 hour journey. And as expected, we talked, we laughed during the whole 3 hours discussing topics ranging from the technology I work to how India as a place to live in to the dominance of China in today’s world. And with no time we had spent the whole time and we reached downtown Houston. The gentleman wished me best for my rest of the long journey.

Chapter - II

Dragging two large trolley in my two hands. Adjusting the bag-pack on the shoulder. Making sure my passport bag was wrapped in my waist and frequently enough gazing to my pocket for the wallet and keys. The feeling of good idea was getting some early challenges. I had checked in google, (when I was planning the whole trip) there was a direct bus form my drop-off location to the IAH airport. I saw a couple of city bus were

parked on the other side of the road. I thought, okay that was it. I had to cross the road and my ordeal with the luggages would come to an end. I somehow crossed the road and then dragged myself to the gate of the bus. The lady driver gave me a strange look. I asked whether this bus will go the International airport? She said come up, you have to change from Williams. I  said What? I have to change the bus? But before I could gave more thought to that idea, I realized that I was blocking the way. I somehow took all my belongings and found my clipper card in the wallet, swiped it and dragged me to a nearby seat. The bag-pack was still on my shoulder, I was still holding my two trolleys with two hands. I was sitting uncomfortably. But somehow I was stable. Stable enough to have a glance around me. There was a lady sitting next to me. She was must be in her 60s. She was big. She was wearing a while shirt, which was not so clean. Her fingers were wrapped with bandages, hairs unclean dreadlocks, thick glasses. Before I could turn my face from her, the bus started rolling, and one of my trolly started skidding towards other side, and it touched the person in front of me. He a a teenage boy, wearing a flashy jeans of yellow color, and red T-Shirt. He was holding a basketball with two of his hands. And his thick bronze chain in the neckless was very conspicuous. I apologized to him and tried to hold back my bag. I looked around, there was a strange feeling gripping me. The bus was full of similar kind of people. My eyes and brain couldn’t distinguish one from other. Each one of them seemed so different but everyone seemed so unwelcoming (just my feeling). I could see people were staring towards me. The bus made its first stop. There was an elderly person in wheelchair. He seemed really sick. He was waiting for the driver to drop the sliding support for the wheelchair from the gate. He boarded the bus and placed his wheel chair just in-front of me. The old man in the wheel chair asked me - “Whats there in the bag?”. I looked at him in dismay. I didn’t know what to say. As if it was an out of syllabus question in a surprise test. I answered - ‘Clothes’. I could utter only that. I realized, till now I had forgotten at what stop I had to get down. This time the lady sitting next to me had a question to me - ‘Why am I carrying so many bags?’ I answered him that I am going to india. But based on her reaction, she was not convinced with my answer. I tried to hold two of my large trolleys with one hand and reached towards by phone. I opened google map and started typing IAH airport. Before I could complete typing, I could hear some-one shouting ‘STOP the bus, why ain’t you not stopping the bus? It’s my stop man’. Driver slammed the brake. The bus came to a halt. She shouted her back - ‘You goto request for stoppage man.’ The man shouted her back - ‘Just stop the God-dam bus’. I was uneasy with the conversation. But nobody gave a damn. The man got out and the driver rolled the bus in motion again. I knew I won’t be able to remember the stoppage she told me to get off and also I knew with this full packed bus I won’t be able to go and ask the driver about that and come back to my seat. I thought I will see the map the distance from the airport and after few mins I will go and stand in-front of the driver and ask her the direction for the next bus. But suddenly I saw, the man in the wheelchair had gone and there was a different man standing in-front. He was looking at me and said- ‘You have to adjust your bags man’. I didn’t know what to do. I assumed it’s not a good idea to travel in a city bus with so many luggages. I was nervous, my throat was dry, heart beat was little faster and was feeling uneasy with myriad emotions and vulnerabilities. I managed to tell him - ‘Yes, I am just getting off.’ In a true sense I felt I don’t belong there. In true sense I felt alien. I did not open the map in my phone, rather I kept it back in my pocket and stood up. Got hold of my belongings and requested for the next stop (pushing the button). I made my way to the door and when the bus stopped I got off the bus. I took my phone and opened the uber app. Booked a premium cab to airport. In 2 mins my cab came and got into it. The driver gave me a smile and asked me where am I heading from the airport? I took a deep breath, took out my water bottle, took a sip of water, and realized now I know the drill (the coming conversion  with the cab driver) and told him India… And the expected conversations took me to the airport.

——O——

Most of the part of our day to day life is surrounded by expected activities. Our lingual jargons are so mundane that we don’t even realize that. We see familiar faces, we smile. We meet like minded people, we chat. We get expected tasks, we perform. But when we come across a different ecosystem within our society we feel so unguarded, vulnerable and shaky.

So, mundane is not always bad. Familiar faces are soothing and holidays are best time to rejuvenate the known ecosystem of yours and charge it with all the positivities and zeal. Hope everyone will have an awesome holidays ahead with your loved ones. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year in advance.. :) 

H M Badruzzaman

Happy New Year

 An other year passed with anxiety and fear.

What to do to increase immunity?
Which place to skip to avoid crowd?
Where the vaccine slots are available?
When to take the boosters?
When the anti-viral pills will come?
Will this new normal change ever?

Most mornings started with "are you guys able to hear me".
Talking in length and then realized the mute button was on.
And sometime the mute button stops working when a gossip was going on.
"Have to drop off because I have a conflicting meeting" has become the buzz all around.
And attending multiple meetings at one time has become humanely possible now.

Alpha, beta, gamma, delta and the 'little o' (o-micron), the greek alphabets are the new fear files.
With gaining usual knowledge and finding other knowhow,
through-out the year, everyone has become a virologist till now.
Grief, sorrow, ecstatic, bliss, had their own part to play.
But we kept going, paving our own way.

I don't know whether I have learnt to live the new way of life.
But the new normal is not the normal I love.
With the dawn of the new year, my yearning desire for the old normal is all time high.
And I wish...
I wish this year the faces in the malls, shops will be more than eyes with masks.
I wish this year mornings will be about quick breakfast and searching the car keys.
I wish this year I will book a flight home without worrying the greek alphabets.
I wish this year there will be actual potlucks and not virtual meet-ups.
I wish this year will bring solace all around.

With this hope,

I wish you all a very happy new year..

                                                                                                        - H M Badruzzaman

Happy Friendship Day

It was just another lethargic Saturday afternoon. I was fiddling with my phone. On the other end of the sofa, my wife was occupied with similar activity. The TV screen in front of us was playing random youtube videos. We had started with the big screen watching something together of common interest, but unknowingly shifted to smaller ones with individual interest. It was pretty evident the later was much more engaging. My twitter feeds was getting refreshed. But before it could load the refreshed feeds, the screen flashed with 'Fiki calling.' Fiki, my sister. It was almost 4:00PM here. I did my calculation in head, 2:30 AM in India. 'Why she is calling me at this hour, she never does that'. My heart skipped a bit. I picked up the call. Her rather calm voice - 'Dada, Taanish (my youngest nephew) and his father, both are having very high fever. Its not coming down from 105 C. I don't know what to do.'

Fiki lives with her husband and two sons in the suburbs of Kolkata. My brother in law is the principal of a residential sports school. They have their residence inside the campus itself. But because of the lockdown, they have moved to their (brother in law's) parental home, which is a small village in central Bengal.

She asked me - 'Shall I wash their heads with cold water?' I was in shock, but wanted to show my calmness - 'Its 105?, when did you give paracetamol?' 
- 'They took it few hours back, seems its not working. I am waiting for few more hours to pass to give them one more dose.'

I heard my older nephew 'Ayan' in his soft but crumbling voice - 'Mamoni dekho na, papa kemon kanpche. Ebaar ki hobe?' (Mom, see how father is shivering, what will happen now?)
My siter replied - 'Kichu hobe na papa, sob thik hoye jabe.' (Nothing will hapen, Everything will be fine.)

I asked her - 'How far is the hospital from here?'
- 'I don't know, and who will take us there now? I don't even know how to drive.'
Now she was loosing her calm. Started chocking.
I said wait, let me call Shrikant (my school friend, he is a doctor in India).
Luckily Shrikant picked the call even in that odd hour. He asked, is everything fine? I said wait let me add Fiki to the line. 

He listened everything, 1st thing he did was to calm her down, he said - 'Don't worry. It could be food poisoning as well, as he is having pain in stomach and vomiting tendency.' He asked her to bring the medicine box that she had, and to search few medicines. We were in luck, she had most of the medicines in one form or the other. Starting from antibiotics to high dose of paracetamol to anti-acids.

Next morning, they went to nearest clinic and got themselves tested for covid. Found out everyone one of them (her husband, both of her sons and her father-in-law and mother-in-law) were covid positive. Totally unaware on how to deal the situation. Other than Fiki, everyone one was so weak and fragile. She had mild fever as well, but everyone one else, they were deteriorating very fast. 
Somehow, she shifted her father-in-law and mother-in-law to the nearest hospital and started taking care of rest of them. She noticed the maids for cooking and cleaning and asked them not to come till everyone gets well.

As it was a small village, there were no online deliveries of groceries and food available. But there were few relatives around, who started delivering food to them.

Next few weeks were so tough, I could not talk to her for long. She would start sobbing. I assume we can not train our minds not to think the worst, when it comes about the apprehension of our closest. I was feeling so helpless.

With the grace of Almighty, with time, all of them have recovered or still recovering. And life seemed to be back to mundane chores.

Today when I got the message from one of my other friend, Pintu (Me, Srikant and Pintu were like 3 musketeers in the school. Both of them went to pursue their career in medicine and I tried my luck with engineering) - 'I just talked to Fiki, her husband's sugar level is fine now', I was kind of taken aback to last few weeks.
I was getting similar messages everyday from both of them how they have talked to my sister and the updates.

In these tough times many of us may have had similar situations.
I know few of us have lost our near and dear ones.
And more than often ours eyes might have gone wet.

This pandemic has done a lot of harm, but it made us realize: 
How trivial yet so blessed we are to be surrounded by so many beautiful people, whom we can call friends.
It has invoked the compassion to a new level.
It has made us cherish the present.
It has made us value the people around.
More than ever, I found the importance of listening to someone.
More than ever, I realized, it's not that important to be somewhere in person, you can be with someone from far across the world.
Asking how are they feeling, getting to know about their hardships, joining in the happiness of their gradual recovery, boosting someone's spirit. It made me feel connected.

My this friendship's day is dedicated to all my friends and family who were there  to listen to me, shared my worries and fears, cheered my sadness and bolstered my happiness.

May be you were not near, but you were always there. 

Happy Friendships Day

H M Badruzzaman

The SKY full of Stars

The sky was clear now. Full of stars. Though there were no street lights, the lights from the moving trucks, clearly showing the huge potholes on the road. There were water and mud all around from the last two days' continuous rain. The long queue of trucks were moving carefully balancing and dancing over those potholes. There were small children with their sacks waiting for the trucks, at the end of the turn, to collect the spilled over coal.
From the end of the road, there was a man coming. With each passing truck, the headlights were giving a glimpse of him. Every time the beam of light fell on him, his hands came up blocking it from his eyes. His shirt had black stains all around. Between stains, the yellow color was rarely visible. His trousers were rugged at the bottom. The floater was uneven and used up at the right side of the foot. His short hairs fully covered with dust. His dusky wet face wearing a blank expression walking towards the road. He crossed the road cautiously watching the moving trucks. 

He was Ajju. Ajju was a young man or rather a boy, still in his teens, but he looked much older. There were few men running towards him. They stopped him and one of them asked -
"All are out now?"
Ajju said - "Yes."
The man asked again - "What was the condition inside?"
Ajju replied - "Horror"
Sweat dropped from Ajju's chin. The man, placed his hand on his head, rubbed his hairs, which caused the coal dust scattered from his head, and told with a chocking voice -
"Its been a long and brutal day for you.. You go ahead.."

Ajju nodded, and started walking. He took a turn into the market, where the vegetable vendors were packing their stuffs, carefully folding their temporary structure of the shop and calling it a day. Amidst of these noises, Ajju was still lost and occupied in his thoughts while walking. He crossed the market and was heading towards the platform. He climbed the slope, passed the station name board, and saw a wooden bench. He went there and sat on it, stretched his arms and pushed back his head. He closed his eyes.
There was no one on the platform. The only tea vendor was long gone as well. Right behind the bench, there was the closed ticket counter and a clock hanging on the wall of it. It was just past 11:00 PM. In the dark and silent night, with passing second, the clock was making the sound - tik.., tik.., tik.. 

Ajju was tired. As if his last ounce of energy was struggling with him. With each 'tik...', his mind was taking him to the place he somehow survived.
The sound of water from the pores in the already flooded coal mine. tip... tip... tip..
He had managed to climb on the top of a trolly full of coal. His head was touching the roof of the mine. His hat had a light, but the battery was dying. The silence among the other miners were unmistakable. The words of consolations and bravery had lost its hope. Gradually but quite decisively in the last 8 hours, everyone there, had moved from being cautiously optimistic to silent. They were 12 workers inside an already congested hole flooded with water and somehow clinging to their lives. The path outside was blocked. All they could hear a constant thud and a the sound of dripping water. Earlier they were sure, the 'thud' was from the rescue team and they were trying to get the coal out of the path. But with passing time and the realization of how long and deep they were inside, the sureness was fading.

For every person working on a mine, each turn and each cravings in the wall and each light post inside it, is a symbol or reference to one and just one thing - "How much its deep and far from the ground level opening". So, nobody was asking or taking about that. Everyone knew, it would take hours to clear that thing up. (if someone was clearing it)
Electricity was cut off with the first burst of water and coal mud coming inside the mine. The light on their hat was the last resort of hope and keeping them away from the abyss of darkness. One light would go down, the other hat light would come up, without any verbal communication. As if they all know who is next. Ajju's light was about to die and everyone knew that his was the last. With a few blinks, the light went off. And with it, it's the end of hope for many. The darkness was absolute. Ajju was feeling pain in his heart. Someone was whimpering. Not sure someone or everyone. Their feeble sounds were eating him up and his heartbeat was increasing. In both of his hands he was holding block of coal. He tried to crush them. He could not feel any strength in his hands. He was sure, the end was near. His only wish at that time was to see a glimpse of light through the pores, which had become impenetrable. He closed his eyes.

A train just crossed the platform, and the sound of the fast crossing train made Ajju react and he stood up from the bench in horror. He looked at himself. He realized, he was out of the coal mine. He recalled, how the guy next to him woke him up inside the mine, and pointed to the chain and a source of light from the top. The rescue team was able to make a hole and they were fetching everyone through the chain tied to a crane above the ground. 

His heartbeat was still very fast. Hands were wet. He saw a water tap next him. He went there, yes there was water in the tap. He washed his face and took a few deep breaths. He started walking.  At the end of the platform there were many mud houses. He crossed few and after that stopped infront of one. Ajju's old mother was siting there. She tried to stand up seeing Ajju with the help of her stick. Ajju helped her.  She was very weak and her wrinkled face was full of tears. She could barely say - "someone told me that you were coming".
They went inside. At one side there was a small bed. Next to it, there was a stove made of mud and few utensils. And at the middle of it, there was a plastic bucket holding the water that poured from the hole in the roof from last two days. Ajju sat next to the bucket and his mother gave him a plate with chapati. They ate together without much of a discussion. But their eyes were not stopping and nobody cared to get rid of the tears rolling from it. After the food, Ajju helped his mother and took her to the bed. Wiped her eyes, kissed her on the forehead. He took out the rolled mattress from one corner, removed the bucket and opened it there. He lay down. And while he was sleeping, his eyes went above to the hole in the roof. He saw a portion of the sky with twinkling stars. Today the annoying hole in the roof was a divine sight to him. 

He smiled and wiped his eyes. He thanked almighty for everything and went to sleep. 

H M Badruzzaman

Hope is a good thing.

Hope is a good thing.

When things around us, start

falling apart.

When dreams in our eyes, left alone and dry.

When atrocities grow and negativity thrives.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

When we are worried of our near and dear one.

When we are at fight with the unknown.

When our future is uncertain and mind is horror ridden.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

When we have more questions than answers.

When our thoughts keep thinking disasters.

When our hands move up for dua and prayers to our masters.

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

Even in these gloomy days, 

My heart fills with optimism for human race.

"Mankind will prevail" my inner voice says.

When I move back to HOPE's way.

LOCKED in the four walls 😞

But look around, if we are lucky, isn't that our home? 🙂

SOCIALLY CRIPPLED. 😞

But wait, whats that GIGGLE? 

Isn't that our family? 🙂

Restaurants closed. 😞

Whats that noise on the kitchen board?

Isn't that our meal getting ready? 🙂

Hang on there, the wheel is turing.

Lets keep the fire inside us burning.

Again we will shout together on a soccer game.

Again we will soak in sun-light with POS-picnic plate.

Again we will argue in conference rooms.

Again we will roam around the office without any magic brooms.

Till then, 

We turn to HOPE. Hope everything gonna be fine.

Embrace the New Beginning

With each step, we move.. forward, backward, dribble and run.
And with every blink of eyes the world around us moved on.
The WORLD and WE morphed, changed and flourished.
And as we see this year is almost passing by, leaving us with so many memories to be cherished.

For many of us, our bags are packed and we are ready to GO..
To some planned, some unplanned, some ubiquitous or some rare SHORES.
For some of us, we will just lie back and enjoy the SHOW.
The show thats called as LIFE. The show which is full of SURPRISE. The show full of excitement and AWE.

In our mundane Life, at this time of year we put a Smile.
Smile as we are Happy, Smile to make others feel Special.
In otherwise predictable Life, at this time of year we forget all our Strife.
Forget disagreement, Forget differences as we are Happy. With Good words for others, yes we become Vocal.

When our wishlist has grown High, We often ask 'Aren't we grown up and should be Shy'?
But the child inside us keeps believing - "Jingle Bells, Reindeers, Santa in star filled blue SKY :)"
Deadlines, Code Freeze, Sanity, Regression, Support and Testing CLAUSE.. Sorry, Can't remember.. What are THOSE.. ;)
Let us be in our UTOPIA. With Santa, planned Trips, Dreams and out of all PHOBIA :)

One more year passed. With many accolades and many unfulfilled DREAMS.
There must be a few days with num eyes and many with loud cheer, laughs and SCREAMS.
Its the Memories that we EARN, They will always be precious and wont Return.
As we are standing in the CUSP. Just get ready to embrace the new beginning with a big HUG :)

MERRY CHRISTMASS and HAPPY NEW YEAR...


H M Badruzzaman

My Onsite Team

Lets start with a clean slate, yes that was what I thought from my ONSITE's 1st step.
A totally new team, with all the new faces. Forget about new team, its new COUNTRY which had removed all my past traces.
The 1st sentence that I had spoken here searching for Santa Calra.. My shuttle driver gave a condescending look.. "Its CLARA.."
I thought here this is how I will be always smitten, But for a change when i saw my team i realized
CLIENTS and CLIENT managers are mere human like us and nothing to be frightened.

'iPhone Team' complex scenarios and numerous use cases, afraid of getting lost I started my from the basics.
1st thing that strike my mind, No matter how big the problem grew, As the name suggests, Narayan was always there to guide us through.
With pristine clear understanding and fast outburst of words from Rejo left me shattered, often made me wonder which processor does he have in his gray matter.
It was Brady, with Transaction Story Dash and BOPIS cart, believed in me and made me little worth to the team and its part.
With list of questions, we looked for Anshul asked - these are not making sense, From his finger-tips Anshul wrote the answers and used to look back - Anything else?

The iPhone room, next to Narayan's cabin was always a happening place. Saurav and Purnima moved up to the ladder, but rest of us still miss that place.
Saurav has always been more a friend than client, taught me many things which will always be asset of mine.
From making me understand Congo, to together writing splunk queries and From giving attention to details to sharing weekend stories.
Whenever I went to Saurav, got good interesting works. So, please don't forget me when the new UI change comes. :)
Team meetings are always filled with Zach's wit. And now Sabitha has to find a new person to organize SAMOSA treat.

My stint here wouldn't be so fare, if Bindu, Preeti you guys won't be here.
We all know Bindu runs the show and Preeti is our Goddess. But I will always cherish the laughs, the zamba trip and endless stories.
Vikas, Avinash brothers and Rohit, you guys will have a less person to decide lunch place and fight, because I am going out of your sight.
Latha's laugh and Pancy's rrrrunning wont get noticed,
I am pretty sure even sometimes I will also be missed.

H M Badruzzaman

End is only a New Beginning.

There are some days that DAZZLE us.
And there are some that CONFUSE.
There are some days that SADEN us.
And there are some that SOOTHE.

With each day passing, we learn a little more and grow a little more.
With every difficulty thrashing, we walk a little more and we know a little more.


With the buzzing of phone, the morning starts.
With tired eyes and iCal's tone, the whole day stares.
Gripped with Projects and its ever changing requirements.
Dipped in keyboard, eclipse and understanding of enhancements.

In the banalities of life, we always find a glimpse of surprise.
In the rat race to thrive, we always find a reason to smile.


With the memories we have build our castle.
With sheer hard work we have disputed our hassles.
Aspirations and Dreams have never left our eyes.
Always eagerly waiting for the wings, and we are ready to fly.

With every storm in the path, we went back to core (java) and secured our roots.
Well, we have understood with only secured roots we reap the life's fruits.


With one day after other, we are standing at the end of the year.
I am sure there were days with num eyes and there were days to cheer.
There must be many souls that we have touched and many feelings that we have searched.
But now when we look back, those memories are kept safe in our treasure bag.

So we bid adieu 2016.. Its end is only to a new Beginning.
So friends, pad up and lets start the new inning.


H M Badruzzaman

The SHACKLES of NOTHING...

With each passing day, we grow. We get matured and we enhance our experiences. And according to Darwin we give proof that we are the fittest as we have survived a day more. But with this ticking of clock, there is something also gets growing. And that is a SHACKLE, which unknowing started getting a grip on everything of ours. From our free legs to the untangled flow of thoughts.
Have you ever herd that story of EMPTY BAG-PACK?
Well somehow it goes like this : Lets assume everyone has a bag-pack. And yes its empty. Now at a given moment we are asked to fill the bag with everything that is important to us. It could be anything we want and it doesn't need to be a materialistic thing. And we are said that from now on, only this bag-pack will be with us, nothing else. Now try loading most important things in it without which we wont be able to survive. So, here goes the food and some clothes. Okay, now lets get little more accommodative and get a little place to stay. Now once that covered, lets try and get our loved ones in that. Because yes certainly we love to be close to our loved ones. Okay so, here goes our spouses, our parents, our siblings, our friends. Lets see. The bag-pack seems very heavy already.
We are humans right? Whats the thing that make us superior? Our ability to express. Our ability to feel. Our ability to gather emotions. Now lets try putting these things in the bag-pack as well. Lets put the expectations, expectations from the loved one to understand us. Expectation from the world to treat us fairly. Expectations from our spouses, lovers to be loving and caring.
Expectations to be IMPORTANT in someone's life. Expectations to not have to prove your loyalty and love over and again. Expectations of having LESS expectation from others. Well thats little bit more than that we have thought. Right? But again thats how Expectations are. I could see that that we have packed our bag too heavy. But I guess we are not done yet. We have to load few more things. Lets put all the amazing moments that we have lived in the past. Lets put all the tears
that we have shed for someone. Lets put all the struggles that that we fought through to reach where-ever we are. Lets not forget to load the dreams and aspirations for a better tomorrow. Now zip the bag-pack. We are ready to go. Now lets get that bag on our shoulder and start walking. What do you think..? We wont to able to take a single step.
The burden on our shoulder is too heavy to walk.?
Well the SHACKLES that I was talking about started making a little sense now. Whatever thing that I have mentioned to put it in the bag-pack, to find those or to handle those we add a new chain in our shackles. And I know, with each passing day we keep on growing the chain.
I have seen and realized that somehow we are not in control of it. And even if we want to stop it, it keeps growing. Things go out of my hand and the chain gripping me gets a little heavier. When I see a small baby giggling, smiling and playing with its own. I see a smile which came automatically to my face. Sometime I question, will our smile and happiness be ever be like a baby, which is very less dependent on others. How our life changes from giggle, sometimes to contemplate.
From calm and composed to disturbed.
From smiling and playing to sleepless nights.
From assured to Fragile.
In the fight to co-exist knowingly or unknowingly we keep on adding SHACKLES and FETTERS to our existence. And we seldom think about that.

As a human being I am very cautious. I don't like to loose my calm. But sometimes I do. Then I try to find out which is the actual me. The one who never looses calm or the one who just lost that. And in the fight of this finding I tend to add one more chain to my existing shackle. I don't want to hurt people and sometime I do hurt knowingly or unknowingly. Again a similar fight of finding and one more chain.
Mostly I want to do the right thing without thinking what the world will think of me. But then there are people who are near to me whom I want to be happy and I want to be good in their eyes. And I know the chain is growing.

There was a second part of the story as well that I was mentioning earlier. Its of trying to off load things from the bag-pack that we
have just filled with all the things.

There are times when the mundane hunt of co-existence gets a back-seat and my mind ogle out to thoughts like shackles and bag-pack.
And wish and I want to sit in quiet sea shore, with winds touching my face, and with each waves touching my feet taking away one chain at
a time. And with the setting sun, all my chains would have gone. And I would be SHACKLE free.
I just want to imagine how it would be like to have that bag-pack empty and then walk.
It seems as if I could fly. :) flying towards the horizon.



H M Badruzzaman

Life...

1,313,000 civilian died in North and South Vietnam during the period 1965–1974
6,000,000 jews died in Holocaust in Germany during 1941 to 1945
500,000 civilians were killed during the partition of India and Pakistan.
120,000 civilians were killed in Iraq war.
3,000 civilians got killed in September 11 attack on World Trade Center.
145 students were killed by Taliban in Pakistan on Dec 2014.
129 civilians got killed in Paris Attack.
14 percent died in San Bernardino of US.
1 person was lynched at Dadri in India.


Some 13.6 billion years ago with a Big Bang, our universe came into existence. Yes 13.6 billion years ago. After 10 billion years of that our earth got its first molten shape. It took another 2 billion years
for 1st multicellular organism to get a Life. And if we talk about mammals, they are just few million years old. And it wont be an exaggeration that we modern looking humans, do not have a proper place in the time chart of
Life TimeLine of Universe. As it took billions of years to get this complex, prized and precious life to craft as the most evolved form of Life. Have we ever thought why we are considered as superior form of Life in the Globe.
Is it because we have modern technology with us?
Is it because we have jumbo jets, plying across atlantic and pacific?
Is it because we have reached Moon, Mars and planning to invade further?
Is it because we have cars, which can go 0 to 100 in 3 secs?
Or is it has something to do with the concrete jungle we have made around us?

No.. its not because all of these. These certainly have its own credibility in the walk of human evolution.
But for me what makes us superior is our emotional strength.
Our heart crying out for those who are not in our blood relations.
The tears that roll out of our eyes for someone we never met.
For automatically getting urge to help someone who is in withered condition.
Our heart goes for every fellow human being.

'Co-existence'. A term which is making quite a rumbling now a days. With whom we are co-existing? With fellow Human being? We feel proud for the fact that we as a species are fighting hard to co-exist. Waoo.. Thats quite a big achievement we can boast of. We have come a long way. From the inception of the universe, to the inception of Life, to the inception of Human Beings. And after that from learning to light fires with stone to the stellar achievement mentioned
above. And then learning to co-exist.

If one can go to the extreme villages of India, where there are children who woke up with an uncertain fate whether he/she is going to get food in the plate today. There are farmers who start their day with a hope that there will be rain to his barren land today. There are mothers sitting in front of their ailing child in a hope, to somehow get some money for medicine today. But in each and every living human soul, there is hope. Their eyes are full of dreams. Their thoughts are full of aspirations. Even if Life is hard, every dream, every hope and every aspiration is ready to take it on. And that is why I believe We Humans are superior.

Every life is precious. Every breath is possible because zillions of things came into its exact place and making this unbelievable life livable. Then how come anyone can think of intentionally destroying this precious gift.There are few numbers in the top. These are a very very few example of barbaric acts that in the walk of life happened to the human race.

I often contemplate where we are heading to?
When we humans can actually think the value of every Life in this extraordinary place of universe? With my num eyes, I search for many answers and with the sleepless nights but I could not
find one.
I was not sure if the term 'civilians' made any difference to the above list. A life is a Life. Whether is civilian or a soldier. How come a man whom I have never met become my enemy. How come in the walk of evolution, we learned to make enemies. We learned to create reasons to fight others. We learned to take away something that is the most precious of all the creation.

In few days one more year will pass. We will engage ourselves to embrace the new beginning. We will start working for our new dreams. We will find our new wings. We all will become little more mature. And with all energy we will strive to be the best.
I just hope we will become more HUMAN.. I just hope we will become more Thankful to almighty for the precious LIFE....
Wish you all a very Happy New Year. Merry Christmas. And Cheers for the wonderful Life we have...

Leaving you all with the famous lines of John Lennon :

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one





H M Badruzzaman
 

TIME TO SMILE HAPPILY... :)

TIME TO SMILE HAPPILY... :)
*******************************

Dyas come and go.
With memories of many friends and few foe.
Only one thing is sure, that WE GROW.
We work, we play and we run to strive.
But at this time of year, we are full with BLISS.

Projects, Dead Lines, Lots of Code.
Everyday We learn something new and try to cope.
Tackle the unknown, with calm and without fuss,
For writing a new service, or even for a new Class.
But at this time of year, we all DAZZLE like Flowers.

Meetings, Releases and Production Support.
Vicious circle.. Nooo Nothing that sort.
For any confusion, we can always Start from Start ;)
Iphones, iPads and wars to Deploy..
Yes, they are there, but at this time of year we all are full of JOY..

Another precious year, just passed by.
Achievements to share, many dreams yet to Fly.
New promises are waiting at the door. Where is the time to be Shy.
Open your arms. Embrace the moment quietly.
Because at this time of year its time to SMILE HAPPILY..

H M Badruzzaman

AJJU....

It was a long day. And an eventful one. Starting from almost missed my flight, to the plane going into air pocket
(clear sky turbulence), to the struggle to find my missing check in baggage, to the flat tires of the auto.
It seemed I had it all. I just wanted to go to my room as soon as possible. SAFELY.. After all those events I was in the Metro.
Somehow managed to grab a seat. Holding the bag-pack on my lap with one hand and the handle of the trolley bag
with the other. Looking at the number of stops still to be crossed. I put my head back and closed my eyes.
Trying to push the metro little faster. Suddenly I realized my phone was vibrating. I struggled a little to
get that out of my pocket. It read "KIDDO calling..". I was returning from my engagement. And yes thats she..
My Kiddo... Not long back, I didn't know her. But now just a thought of her brought a bright smile on my face.
Her childlike voice took me to a different world. Her adorable way of teasing me made me feel
everything around me was so perfect. As if she was always there with me from ages. I took the call "Yes kiddo..
I will reach in an hour.. Then I will call you back." I put the phone back in my pocket. My eyes went to
that ring in my right hand. My smile became little wider. I tilted towards the side of my seat. Bolster my head
with the rod at the end of the seat. It was almost a packed coach. There were cacophony all around.
But in those incoherent sounds, I could hear a couple were talking to each other. They were standing just in front of me.

The way they had dressed anyone could make it out that they were out for celebration. The guy must be in his late twenties and the girl
in her early. With the bangles in her hand I concluded that they were a newly married couple. He was talking
in bhojpuri with her. Showing her to a construction site that came on the way, he said thats where he works.
She was little short in height. And with the crowd in the compartment it was tough for her to see that. But she
fought to get her head towards the glass widow to see. And acknowledge him back with pride in her eyes.
Even I turned my head to see that site. It was a multi story building under construction. He said he
carries bricks and cement from ground to those towers with the help of cranes. Her eyes filled with astonishment.
And I could see, with surprise she said - "ITTA UCHA..." that high..??  Don't you get scared..??
He replied her back that he never gets scared with a smile. I could see that her hand grabbed his and
pressed with assurance and then cautiously left it. With his loosely tucked in shirt, a misplaced belt in the unfit jeans, and with a
watch that seemed to be just working. I thought he was feeling little out of place. He was turing his
head quite frequently. I don't know why.? May be to make sure no body was staring towards them. But for the girl,
she was hardly bothered about the rest of the world. As if she has her world just in her hands. Whenever
she was able to find any big facade visible from the window. She would ask whats that. And he would answer them cautiously.
She was wearing a saari, yes it was new, because I could see some paper labels were still attached to it.
I was recalling an article from THE HINDU on how cheap labors from BIHAR, JHARKHAND and WEST BENGAL are exploited
in these construction sites of different cities. I thought it needs real courage to lead a life of such brutal
hardship. But when its the matter of survival. Nothing as is hard as it seems. And in-front of me, I was witnessing
one of them really not bothered about the hardships, not bothered about misery of life. I am sure he must have spent
a big part of his earning for this treat. May be it would be just a small treat. But for me, its a way of saying
life that "YOU CAN BE HARD ON ME... BUT I WILL PLAY IT WELL..." I looked at the blinking red light showing the next
stoppage. 3 more stops and I was going to arrive at my station. I saw an elderly lady struggling to stand. I asked her
"Aunty aap yahan baith jao..." and offered my seat. With a smile she said "THANK YOU BETA.." and I got off my seat
and stood just behind that couple. The metro was about to stop for the next station. And people for this station were arranging themselves
to get out of it. I could see the guy told her wife that they need to get off here. And they were also aligning
themselves with the door. But I realized that moment the metro stopped, there were two more people between the guy and his wife.
And with the door opening, wave of people rushed out of it. The guy got out of the metro. Then few more. And nervously
his wife was getting out. But before that an opposite wave of people started boarding the train. And the lady got struck.
My heartbeat started beating fast and my apprehension came to reality. The automatic sliding door got closed. She remained
inside. Her husband on the platform. Her palm pressing the glass-door. And her husband shocked standing on the platform.
The Metro started rolling. She started crying... Ajjuuuu...
Few fellow passengers said "ARE KOI BAAT NAI HAI... AGLE STATION ME UTAR JANA
TUMHARA PATI WOHI AA JAYEGA DOOSRI TRAIN SE.." (No problem, you can get off in next station, where your husband will come with the next train..").
I thought yes. That she can do. I looked at her hands. No, there were no cell phones. Tears rolling out of her eyes and looking through
the glass door as far as she can look. As if searching for "Ajju.." The Metro stopped at the next station. She quickly got out of the train.
I was watching at her. She ran towards the end of the platform in the opposite direction. And then she stopped. Looking through the lines
with her wistful eyes. Again the sliding door closed and train started moving. I kept looking at her till she got away from my sight.
There were many question in my mind.. I don't know what will happen to her.? Will she able to meet Ajju..? Should I have done something..?
What I could have done..? And the Metro stopped one more time. It was my stoppage. I got out of it. Still thinking of the couple.
Got to the auto stand. Asked who would go to "AMRAPALI ROYAL.."? A guy came and said.. "Sir.. please come to my auto.. I will take you.."
I asked how much will you take? He said Rs 70.. I replied him that its more than the usual rate... He looked at me and with
an assuring vice he said -"Ajju kabhi jyada kiraya nai leta..." (Ajju never ask unreasonable fare..). I felt little
shocked. The name hit straight to my heart. I boarded the auto. Kept my luggage and took my phone out. Dialed a number
and thinking, the way I met this Ajju.. May be till now that lady have got her AJJU... My phone got answered.. "Where are you.. You haven't
reached yet.." I said.. "I will reach in 5 mins.. And one more thing... I LOVE YOU KIDDO...."


H M Badruzzaman
  

Who are THOSE..????

It was 8 PM. Sun was still fighting hard to challenge my eye to look through it. I was sitting in the
patio of my apartment. Scrolling the pictures that I took in my last Golden Gate visit. In this west coast
of USA and in summer, days are quite long. One could see the dazzling light till 8:30 PM.
And watching the sun loosing its dazzle and get vanished in the horizon makes me little silently verbose.
My thoughts take some unusual route to reach some untouched part of my gray matter. I was literally
enjoying the calm evening after a day long meetings and long stretch of fighting with some Lines of Code.
I got a notification in fb. I looked into my iPad. It read "Yashi commented on a post you are tagged in.."
I unlocked it. Touched the fb icon. I could see a red '1' was quite purposely visible at the bottom of the screen.
But before I could touch that, my eyes were on an article which was shared by a friend of mine. It had few
random pictures and a line written in bold - "FOREIGN MEDIA NEVER SHOWS THIS INDIA TO THE WORLD..."
I opened the link. There were around 10 pictures from different part of INDIA. From Yamuna Express Way to Taj Hotels.
From sprawling sky scrapers to swanky IT campuses. From Glittering Necklace Road to Newly build International Terminals.
I stopped scrolling down. From few days I was pondering a lot on this. Its been more than a year for me in USA,
California to be precise. But in-spite of its ultra modern life style, I miss my motherland. In spite of all the
life easing amenities, life seems unattached. When I see people here, with their broad smile while crossing the road,
when I see people waiting and letting the pedestrian go before their cars, when the barber talks to you about
his understanding on economic meltdown, I suddenly feel that I am in a different world altogether.  Here people
have an opinion and they are based on facts and logics which they have explored. I try to think of India,
where still there are people fighting hard to meet their daily needs, fighting to keep the family floating in the
storm of crunching resources. For them being OPINIONATED, being able to think of GLOBAL WARMING, being EMOTIONALLY hurt are too much.
The first and last thing they can think of is - HOW TO EARN BREAD FOR THE DAY...
Now, coming back to the article. Its not that the India that was shown in that
article does not exist. Off-course it does. Off course we are among the fastest growing economy. Off course
we have come a long way. But there is one thing that come to my mind when I think of my India, and
it is - CONTRAST. I am not talking about DIVERSE, rather I am talking about CONTRAST.
We have ANTALIA, the most expensive private home in the world. And if we just move our face, there is DHARAVI,
the largest slum in the world. We have BANGALORE, which is very much comparable to the Silicon Valley here, people think big
and work hard to achieve something in the world platform. And we have BUDELKHAND, where farmers commit suicide in the
burden of poverty and atrocities.
I could remember these words of Mahatma Gandhi - "The soul of the real India Lives in its Villages". Now I am not
trying to say that INDIA of cities is not real. It is also as much real as it is of villages. But if I take
deep dive into the words said by Mahatma Gandhi, I could sense some strings that do connect the soul to
the villages of INDIA. So the question is - "SHOULDN'T WE BE PROUD OF WHAT WE HAVE ACHIEVED..?"
I think off course we should be. We boast to have the largest DEMOCRACY of the world. We boast to be the
bellwether in INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY. We can admire our achievements in SPACE EXPLORATION. We are proud
to have the one of largest armies in the world. We are proud to excel our CULTURAL heritage and show the
world about the learnings of one of the ancient civilization.
But again, at the same time some different chords of mind stroked with few different questions -
Who are those, committing suicide because of poverty. ?
Who are those, leaving primary schools to support family income. ?
Who are those, forced to became DEVDASHIS. ?
Who are those, sleeping in the streets.?
Who are those, searching food pieces in the dustbin.?
Who are those, spending the cold nights without a roof above their head and without clothes on the their body.?
Who are those, lying on the steps of government hospitals unattended by any Doctors or nurses..?
Who are those, walking miles and miles to get a bucket of drinking water..?
Who are those, could not be even touched because of their lower caste..?

I know who all are those. Well they are our Sisters and Brothers. Our fellow countrymen. Why we need Danny Boyle to show us the
condition of our slums. Why we need FOREIGN media to make us pity on our social condition. We must not move away from these
and feel good that we have a different version of story also, which is far rosy than this, we have a different INDIA to showcase which
is not deprived of any of the world's advances. Its a challenge for us to work hard. Hard to our capacity, in whatever way we can to
contribute our part in its building. In the building of a nation where there wont be THOSE sisters are brothers.
We should just accept that the scope is too big for us as a country to grow.
We should not ignore the soul.
We should be modern in thoughts.
We should stop fighting pity battles of caste and religion.
We should broaden our acceptance level.
We should put our every effort as a country to eradicate each and every single THOSE.
We should do our part honestly how much we can do.

Before I could put some more thought on building my nation. It was quite dark and my phone blinked light "Amaa Calling....."
And my thought shifted from motherland to my mother... :)



H M Badruzzaman

Between the MOMENTS....

CALM, GRACEFUL, CONTENT, HAPPY, SATISFIED… These are not mere appearances. These are the extension of the STATE we are in. A question to ourselves, in-spite of BURNING so many calories, in-spite of TORTURING the gray matter to its limit, in-spite of SHOUTING silently within, in-spite of being so CAUTIOUS, in-spite of being so CALCULATIVE, at the end of the day, WHAT HAVE WE ACHIEVED?

In this amazing WORLD, we the amazing CREATURE, sometimes get LOST in the oblivion. Often in search of a HOLY Grail we indulge in a rat race which keeps on eating the amazement. And this whole lively exciting surrounding becomes pale, ubiquitous and barren. But the question is - 

IS THERE really something that amaze us with its pristine beauty in our mundane Life. ??

When we start our day with “YES ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY”, do we really believe that.?

When we say “See you later”, Are we really looking forward to see him again?

At the every reply of “ITS MY PLEASURE”, does any fragment of real pleasure exists?

“GOD BLESS YOU” after every sneeze, have we really cared for the words.? 

When we say “Good Night and Sweet dream”, are really heading towards a Sweet journey?

And these questions will take us to the first one. Is the tranquility of mind just a myth? With these and many more we can come across a surrounding which is anything but CALM and COMPOSED. 

I have gone through this quite sometime. When I could see and read different faces of the same face. I have learnt dealing with the same people in many ways. Thing that should give HAPPINESS, doesn’t do so. In the crowd of numerous, searching for the know face. A face which would Understand, which would give calmness……….

After parking my car, I was heading towards my room. My slow steps were not willing to move ahead. I could see my room, but my thoughts and puzzled mind pulling me back. I was just few steps away from my door, but my journey seems to be rudderless. I hold my step back, stood there for a moment, and then looked into my watch. I could see the blinking seconds, but could not figure out whats the time. I gently looked above, towards the vast sky. And a lot of frames crossed over my mind. As if so far from the loved ones, far from something unexplainable. Far from so many answers. Far from the known. 

I could sense a breeze hitting my face, I could see few leaves falling from the tree. Out of nowhere I could sense belongingness. Suddenly within a moment those unguided questions doesn’t seems that important. Suddenly the fast heartbeat came to normal. Suddenly those vague frames started getting exact past moments. And yes suddenly those tired and heavy legs were getting energy to take rest of the steps. Within a moment, the demanding questions, searching for answers seem to have lost their credibility and I felt that YES Logic and Pragmatism are not the only thing that can define all the complex curves of LIFE.. 

Some times leave it to the moment and your most troublesome questions will loose its shine. And YES you will be COMPOSED and CALM… 

H M Badruzzaman

MY THOUGHT’S JOURNEY...

Again my thoughts have embarked a journey.

To start or stop, it never needed me.

Some strange pictures are getting their own shapes.

Just watch it, other than that I can’t help.

Few unquestioned answers, hitting the mind.

I know it’s strange, but they are only of that kind.

May be the TRUTH is far behind.

But it’s imagination’s world, where always truth can’t be find.

The ship without the sailor, has struck in a storm.

Tides are hitting the deck & making me less strong.

Something making me feel that I’m guilty, I’m wrong.

And in the middle of no-where, I’m lost & I’m gone.

It’s ‘ACCEPTANCE’ that I always chased.

Not required, only that has to be faced.

DREAMS are there always in my eyes.

But all dreams can’t always go high.

I know all these things, the logics of illogical and reasons.

But why now, my mind is full of puzzled equations?

Why the past is haunting me & making me low?

From where it’s getting the power, for giving me the blow?

I know, the journey of thoughts will always be there.

But it’s fine, for that I can’t FEAR.

DREAMS will always be there in the wistful eyes.

Because its LIFE.. where sometimes RAIN and sometimes DRY.... J

H M BADRUZZAMAN

OPINION, BELIEVE.......... THAT MATTERS.......

Our OPINION, FAITH and BELIEVES, all are bolstered by some thoughts, some facts and sometimes by some persons.. Well I have used the term ‘OUR’ rather than ‘MY’. I don’t know why, but certainly I feel more protected in ‘WE’. May be by doing so I can generalize my acts and thoughts. Okay then, let me try a different way this time. Lets start again-

OPINION, FAITH and BELIEVES, all of these define ‘ME’ as a person, as my approach and as I will be acting on different situations. Sometimes I choose to Believe Something and sometimes I have to Believe in Something. The former happens seldom. And the later mostly bolstered by a number of stellar as well as materialistic things. Off course I have my unaltered PRINCIPLES and my convictions about every moment I face. But, again the WAY of looking into the moment do have different WAYS. And I am sure my gray matter inside the skull have always had the ability of explore all the possible ways. So, what matters most is where have I stopped and what have I perceived. And I know its crucial. Because from that stopping point I embark a journey which comes out to be less exploited. Every time I have embarked such oblivious journey, I Believed it will enhance my CLARITY and will make me a bit more KNOWLEDGEABLE. Every bit of ME knew its a myth. But I always prefer to accept it as it is.

I don’t know where this is going. These obscure words above may not be clear enough to put light on any particular direction. But I think that’s the motto. Because, Whatever mundane work I do. Whatever predictable path I choose. Whatever confidence I have. Finally its always unpredictable and uncertain. So, ‘LIGHT ON PARTICULAR DIRECTION’ is something that can’t be PARTICULAR.  And dangling in the uncertainties I often find myself in a whirlpool. Try to figure out where I was heading to? I always knew I was not lost, as I could see familiar FACES all around. But again somehow I was UNKNOWN in these moments amid known FACES and known PLACES. I become WORRIED if not SCARED. But then, once a step taken towards somewhere is already taken. I try to reassure myself, that Everything can’t be in control, but whatever control I need to have over my actions depending on my prior decisions, I already had. Sometimes it worked and sometime I have to work harder to make myself Fool enough to BELIEVE my own arguments.

Its nothing I am trying to demonstrate. Not that its anything to do with INABILITIES. Its just few words to silently say –

“NO Matter I Couldn't

DO Something FOR Everything.......”

“NO Matter how insignificant and small a step looks in the puzzled scenario...”

“NO Matter how Confusing it SEEMS....”

“My small step towards UNKNOWN is always WORTH....”

“My small BELIEVES in every moment will always COUNT...”

“My small DREAMS to make it big someday will always MATTER....” 

H M Badruzzaman

SCRIBLE.......

SCRIBLE...
Yes thats what I wanted to do. Or rather wanting to do. Taking a deep jump into
the abyss of my thoughts' whirlpool. Wandering around the tangles of my gray matter,
searching the mysterious misteries and watching the endless horizon, I JUST WANT TO SCRIBLE.
The carelessly drawn lines wont be having any significance. But somehow I know, those will
resemble something within me. At times I have a place to park my wave of thoughts, but seldom
that happens. Mostly they find there own niche and they keep hanging there. Now whether they
are significant or not, thats my mind unable to distinguish.
Incidents happens, leave a print deep down. But again 'WHY..??' remains always unanswered.
Walking down the memory lane, deciphering different knots, unknowingly the SMILE dwindled
and got replaced by some strange lines on my forehead. Am I worrid of something?
Offcourse YES... Not so sure.. But yes there is something, beyond the ability of words
to express. And I think thats why I want to SCRIBLE..
Closed eyes, as if an infant has made himself away from the rest of the world's view.
But not having the blankness of that infant. The darkness doesn't haunt, rather it
tells loudly something. That yes someone is watching you. Listening to you. An untangible
presence made me uneasy. But closed eyes remained closed.
I don't want to CALCULATE.
I don't want to WIN.
I don't want to FIGHT.
I don't want to be PRAGMATIST.
I don't want to PROVE.
I don't want to be LOOKED UPON.
Now, I just want to SCRIBLE...
My lonely flight searched something or rather someone. Got many. But the
quest didn't quit. Expectations and desires were also on board and
quite expectedly some got buried. Some got their own wings and some got
pulverised. But again the lonely flight had a lonely landing in the lonely
island.
Far from the ability to distinguish between Good or BAD.
Far from the ability to think LOGICAL.
Far from the reach of LOSS.
Far from the sense of FEAR.
Far from the vastness of the SKY.
Somewhere, I dont know I like it here or not.
Somewhere, I dont know I am accustomed or not.
Somewhere, I dont know I am HAPPY or not.
But right now I dont want to KNOW....
I just WANT TO SCRIBLE....


H M Badruzzaman
 

The Silent VOICE......

At times the vibrations of brain doesn't hear sounds that the heart speaks loudly. Things flow in a direction that is not influenced by anything, rather I try to find the nascent uncontrolled flow’s existence. Randomly loitering around with the aimless waves, submitting the wishes to the destiny of the tempest and watching the unseen horizon I embark an illusion’s journey.

 A journey less, but traveled...

 Where words are not required...

 Where faces don’t have importance...

 Where morbid piece of mine is lost and not tangible...

 Where abilities are yet to be defined...

Where emotions are yet to be galvanized and they are fighting to get SHAPE....

Where open eyes can’t decide what it see....

I don’t want to capture the moment as I myself being captured by it. The journey starts, And I become a part of it. I dare to ask myself whether its conscious? Who is going to answer me..? I silently move my steps to find myself at the beginning. I keep on moving and keep on watching the blankness around me. My eyelids become tired to blink, may be they forget to shut. But my heart keeps on to shrink and expand. The clouds which are uncertain, pour some water and go back.  I hear the silent voices raising their tone. I hear them tell the truth. I hear them sing and I hear them to be with me. It enunciates many bundled thoughts with a pristine clarity yet beyond my understanding. It shows path through the horizons where visual capability fails.

And suddenly the quest seemed to finish. But yet unanswered – What the quest was about? The utopia formed with the bubbles stopped fascinating. A zephyr hit my face, but I don’t want to get into the pragmatist world.

I don’t want to be in the cradle of uncertainty.

I don’t want to get LOST .

I don’t want to live just to breath.

I don’t want to fight to prove.

I just want to flow with this unknown but quantum of SOLACE. I just want the zephyr to stay. I just want to be HERE...... 


H M Badruzzaman

Sometimes.... Not Sometimes..

Sometime............ I dont know whether it is sometime or more than sometime, but I prefer to start anything with this word 'SOMETIME'. May be, I feel that would make me more dynamic. Ohh yes dynamic. Because if I spend most of my time thinking, then I wont be dynamic.. ;). And that brings me back to my starting line.

Sometime I get confused about my priorities, my desires and my behavior as well. I ask myself- "What you want?" But hardly gets any answer. I mean I am fedup of asking myself about me. But I guess thats the best person to ask.

The dwindling understanding nature, increasing frustratios, monotonous lifestyle, practical goals and illusionist's dream. They all are making things more stiff and unmanageable. The person who have never judged anyone, starts finding faults of others' for his unhappiness. The person for whom CONFIDENCE and HARDWORK have the power to reach and beat anywhere and any destiny, starts using the term LUCK. The dream of winning the world gets confined to mere pragmatic realitis. Speaking confidently on anything without having a smattering of knowledge of it has changed to babbling inspite of knowing everything. From not skipping a single chance of playing CRICKET, to just leave it as not feel like playing. From the energetic champ to a lathergic pal. Things do change in life. I am talking about a general guy here. But the matter of fact is I am not talking about any general guy, in its every bit I placed my image. In every change that I just have mentioned, I was pointing me. But in a way I have tried to make it general. I know WHY?? Because in my every bit of impractical desire, unreached dreams, unheard words, dissatisfied soul- to console it, I have a one line ready made answer- "HUMAN NATURE BOSS.." kabhi khus nai hota...  So, if I manage to make my deeds look like a general way of doing it or a generalize thought, then I have my answer.

I heard them say-"This is the starting of the real Life". I wonder from last 24 years what was it?? A trial..?? Offcourse not... Then why "REAL LIFE" now?? Because now you take your own decision and you are solely responsible for that. That is why its the starting of new Life. Real Life. But I dont buy this because. I see my nephew, 9 months and he takes the decision when to eat, when not to, when to sleep and when to play. Then how can I just become a starter of Real Life..

Well things will change,

Waves will return to the shore,

Clandestine will open up,

The words will have meaning,

Thoughts will glide to have directions,

Eyes will be num,

And Hands will be Cold,

because whether its REAL or NOT... LIFE will MOVE ON...

H M Badruzzaman