Between the MOMENTS....

CALM, GRACEFUL, CONTENT, HAPPY, SATISFIED… These are not mere appearances. These are the extension of the STATE we are in. A question to ourselves, in-spite of BURNING so many calories, in-spite of TORTURING the gray matter to its limit, in-spite of SHOUTING silently within, in-spite of being so CAUTIOUS, in-spite of being so CALCULATIVE, at the end of the day, WHAT HAVE WE ACHIEVED?

In this amazing WORLD, we the amazing CREATURE, sometimes get LOST in the oblivion. Often in search of a HOLY Grail we indulge in a rat race which keeps on eating the amazement. And this whole lively exciting surrounding becomes pale, ubiquitous and barren. But the question is - 

IS THERE really something that amaze us with its pristine beauty in our mundane Life. ??

When we start our day with “YES ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY”, do we really believe that.?

When we say “See you later”, Are we really looking forward to see him again?

At the every reply of “ITS MY PLEASURE”, does any fragment of real pleasure exists?

“GOD BLESS YOU” after every sneeze, have we really cared for the words.? 

When we say “Good Night and Sweet dream”, are really heading towards a Sweet journey?

And these questions will take us to the first one. Is the tranquility of mind just a myth? With these and many more we can come across a surrounding which is anything but CALM and COMPOSED. 

I have gone through this quite sometime. When I could see and read different faces of the same face. I have learnt dealing with the same people in many ways. Thing that should give HAPPINESS, doesn’t do so. In the crowd of numerous, searching for the know face. A face which would Understand, which would give calmness……….

After parking my car, I was heading towards my room. My slow steps were not willing to move ahead. I could see my room, but my thoughts and puzzled mind pulling me back. I was just few steps away from my door, but my journey seems to be rudderless. I hold my step back, stood there for a moment, and then looked into my watch. I could see the blinking seconds, but could not figure out whats the time. I gently looked above, towards the vast sky. And a lot of frames crossed over my mind. As if so far from the loved ones, far from something unexplainable. Far from so many answers. Far from the known. 

I could sense a breeze hitting my face, I could see few leaves falling from the tree. Out of nowhere I could sense belongingness. Suddenly within a moment those unguided questions doesn’t seems that important. Suddenly the fast heartbeat came to normal. Suddenly those vague frames started getting exact past moments. And yes suddenly those tired and heavy legs were getting energy to take rest of the steps. Within a moment, the demanding questions, searching for answers seem to have lost their credibility and I felt that YES Logic and Pragmatism are not the only thing that can define all the complex curves of LIFE.. 

Some times leave it to the moment and your most troublesome questions will loose its shine. And YES you will be COMPOSED and CALM… 

H M Badruzzaman

MY THOUGHT’S JOURNEY...

Again my thoughts have embarked a journey.

To start or stop, it never needed me.

Some strange pictures are getting their own shapes.

Just watch it, other than that I can’t help.

Few unquestioned answers, hitting the mind.

I know it’s strange, but they are only of that kind.

May be the TRUTH is far behind.

But it’s imagination’s world, where always truth can’t be find.

The ship without the sailor, has struck in a storm.

Tides are hitting the deck & making me less strong.

Something making me feel that I’m guilty, I’m wrong.

And in the middle of no-where, I’m lost & I’m gone.

It’s ‘ACCEPTANCE’ that I always chased.

Not required, only that has to be faced.

DREAMS are there always in my eyes.

But all dreams can’t always go high.

I know all these things, the logics of illogical and reasons.

But why now, my mind is full of puzzled equations?

Why the past is haunting me & making me low?

From where it’s getting the power, for giving me the blow?

I know, the journey of thoughts will always be there.

But it’s fine, for that I can’t FEAR.

DREAMS will always be there in the wistful eyes.

Because its LIFE.. where sometimes RAIN and sometimes DRY.... J

H M BADRUZZAMAN

OPINION, BELIEVE.......... THAT MATTERS.......

Our OPINION, FAITH and BELIEVES, all are bolstered by some thoughts, some facts and sometimes by some persons.. Well I have used the term ‘OUR’ rather than ‘MY’. I don’t know why, but certainly I feel more protected in ‘WE’. May be by doing so I can generalize my acts and thoughts. Okay then, let me try a different way this time. Lets start again-

OPINION, FAITH and BELIEVES, all of these define ‘ME’ as a person, as my approach and as I will be acting on different situations. Sometimes I choose to Believe Something and sometimes I have to Believe in Something. The former happens seldom. And the later mostly bolstered by a number of stellar as well as materialistic things. Off course I have my unaltered PRINCIPLES and my convictions about every moment I face. But, again the WAY of looking into the moment do have different WAYS. And I am sure my gray matter inside the skull have always had the ability of explore all the possible ways. So, what matters most is where have I stopped and what have I perceived. And I know its crucial. Because from that stopping point I embark a journey which comes out to be less exploited. Every time I have embarked such oblivious journey, I Believed it will enhance my CLARITY and will make me a bit more KNOWLEDGEABLE. Every bit of ME knew its a myth. But I always prefer to accept it as it is.

I don’t know where this is going. These obscure words above may not be clear enough to put light on any particular direction. But I think that’s the motto. Because, Whatever mundane work I do. Whatever predictable path I choose. Whatever confidence I have. Finally its always unpredictable and uncertain. So, ‘LIGHT ON PARTICULAR DIRECTION’ is something that can’t be PARTICULAR.  And dangling in the uncertainties I often find myself in a whirlpool. Try to figure out where I was heading to? I always knew I was not lost, as I could see familiar FACES all around. But again somehow I was UNKNOWN in these moments amid known FACES and known PLACES. I become WORRIED if not SCARED. But then, once a step taken towards somewhere is already taken. I try to reassure myself, that Everything can’t be in control, but whatever control I need to have over my actions depending on my prior decisions, I already had. Sometimes it worked and sometime I have to work harder to make myself Fool enough to BELIEVE my own arguments.

Its nothing I am trying to demonstrate. Not that its anything to do with INABILITIES. Its just few words to silently say –

“NO Matter I Couldn't

DO Something FOR Everything.......”

“NO Matter how insignificant and small a step looks in the puzzled scenario...”

“NO Matter how Confusing it SEEMS....”

“My small step towards UNKNOWN is always WORTH....”

“My small BELIEVES in every moment will always COUNT...”

“My small DREAMS to make it big someday will always MATTER....” 

H M Badruzzaman

SCRIBLE.......

SCRIBLE...
Yes thats what I wanted to do. Or rather wanting to do. Taking a deep jump into
the abyss of my thoughts' whirlpool. Wandering around the tangles of my gray matter,
searching the mysterious misteries and watching the endless horizon, I JUST WANT TO SCRIBLE.
The carelessly drawn lines wont be having any significance. But somehow I know, those will
resemble something within me. At times I have a place to park my wave of thoughts, but seldom
that happens. Mostly they find there own niche and they keep hanging there. Now whether they
are significant or not, thats my mind unable to distinguish.
Incidents happens, leave a print deep down. But again 'WHY..??' remains always unanswered.
Walking down the memory lane, deciphering different knots, unknowingly the SMILE dwindled
and got replaced by some strange lines on my forehead. Am I worrid of something?
Offcourse YES... Not so sure.. But yes there is something, beyond the ability of words
to express. And I think thats why I want to SCRIBLE..
Closed eyes, as if an infant has made himself away from the rest of the world's view.
But not having the blankness of that infant. The darkness doesn't haunt, rather it
tells loudly something. That yes someone is watching you. Listening to you. An untangible
presence made me uneasy. But closed eyes remained closed.
I don't want to CALCULATE.
I don't want to WIN.
I don't want to FIGHT.
I don't want to be PRAGMATIST.
I don't want to PROVE.
I don't want to be LOOKED UPON.
Now, I just want to SCRIBLE...
My lonely flight searched something or rather someone. Got many. But the
quest didn't quit. Expectations and desires were also on board and
quite expectedly some got buried. Some got their own wings and some got
pulverised. But again the lonely flight had a lonely landing in the lonely
island.
Far from the ability to distinguish between Good or BAD.
Far from the ability to think LOGICAL.
Far from the reach of LOSS.
Far from the sense of FEAR.
Far from the vastness of the SKY.
Somewhere, I dont know I like it here or not.
Somewhere, I dont know I am accustomed or not.
Somewhere, I dont know I am HAPPY or not.
But right now I dont want to KNOW....
I just WANT TO SCRIBLE....


H M Badruzzaman
 

The Silent VOICE......

At times the vibrations of brain doesn't hear sounds that the heart speaks loudly. Things flow in a direction that is not influenced by anything, rather I try to find the nascent uncontrolled flow’s existence. Randomly loitering around with the aimless waves, submitting the wishes to the destiny of the tempest and watching the unseen horizon I embark an illusion’s journey.

 A journey less, but traveled...

 Where words are not required...

 Where faces don’t have importance...

 Where morbid piece of mine is lost and not tangible...

 Where abilities are yet to be defined...

Where emotions are yet to be galvanized and they are fighting to get SHAPE....

Where open eyes can’t decide what it see....

I don’t want to capture the moment as I myself being captured by it. The journey starts, And I become a part of it. I dare to ask myself whether its conscious? Who is going to answer me..? I silently move my steps to find myself at the beginning. I keep on moving and keep on watching the blankness around me. My eyelids become tired to blink, may be they forget to shut. But my heart keeps on to shrink and expand. The clouds which are uncertain, pour some water and go back.  I hear the silent voices raising their tone. I hear them tell the truth. I hear them sing and I hear them to be with me. It enunciates many bundled thoughts with a pristine clarity yet beyond my understanding. It shows path through the horizons where visual capability fails.

And suddenly the quest seemed to finish. But yet unanswered – What the quest was about? The utopia formed with the bubbles stopped fascinating. A zephyr hit my face, but I don’t want to get into the pragmatist world.

I don’t want to be in the cradle of uncertainty.

I don’t want to get LOST .

I don’t want to live just to breath.

I don’t want to fight to prove.

I just want to flow with this unknown but quantum of SOLACE. I just want the zephyr to stay. I just want to be HERE...... 


H M Badruzzaman

Sometimes.... Not Sometimes..

Sometime............ I dont know whether it is sometime or more than sometime, but I prefer to start anything with this word 'SOMETIME'. May be, I feel that would make me more dynamic. Ohh yes dynamic. Because if I spend most of my time thinking, then I wont be dynamic.. ;). And that brings me back to my starting line.

Sometime I get confused about my priorities, my desires and my behavior as well. I ask myself- "What you want?" But hardly gets any answer. I mean I am fedup of asking myself about me. But I guess thats the best person to ask.

The dwindling understanding nature, increasing frustratios, monotonous lifestyle, practical goals and illusionist's dream. They all are making things more stiff and unmanageable. The person who have never judged anyone, starts finding faults of others' for his unhappiness. The person for whom CONFIDENCE and HARDWORK have the power to reach and beat anywhere and any destiny, starts using the term LUCK. The dream of winning the world gets confined to mere pragmatic realitis. Speaking confidently on anything without having a smattering of knowledge of it has changed to babbling inspite of knowing everything. From not skipping a single chance of playing CRICKET, to just leave it as not feel like playing. From the energetic champ to a lathergic pal. Things do change in life. I am talking about a general guy here. But the matter of fact is I am not talking about any general guy, in its every bit I placed my image. In every change that I just have mentioned, I was pointing me. But in a way I have tried to make it general. I know WHY?? Because in my every bit of impractical desire, unreached dreams, unheard words, dissatisfied soul- to console it, I have a one line ready made answer- "HUMAN NATURE BOSS.." kabhi khus nai hota...  So, if I manage to make my deeds look like a general way of doing it or a generalize thought, then I have my answer.

I heard them say-"This is the starting of the real Life". I wonder from last 24 years what was it?? A trial..?? Offcourse not... Then why "REAL LIFE" now?? Because now you take your own decision and you are solely responsible for that. That is why its the starting of new Life. Real Life. But I dont buy this because. I see my nephew, 9 months and he takes the decision when to eat, when not to, when to sleep and when to play. Then how can I just become a starter of Real Life..

Well things will change,

Waves will return to the shore,

Clandestine will open up,

The words will have meaning,

Thoughts will glide to have directions,

Eyes will be num,

And Hands will be Cold,

because whether its REAL or NOT... LIFE will MOVE ON...

H M Badruzzaman

SMILE....... Its precious.. :)

It was 2nd week of Feb. I was standing in one of the tacky streets of Kolkata. Slightly lost in my own

whirlpool of thoughts, moving the pen between my fingers and pondering about the mistakes that i had just

committed in my GATE paper. I was sure it had not gone the way I had expected. I thought soon I would be

in the final year. Companies would start hitting the campus. Where I would be standing? Standing tall

or in toe? EXPECTATIONS would get pulverized or i would come out with FLYING COLORS.

Before I could add some more philosophical colors in my thoughts, it started drizzling. I started searching

a roof to save me from the rain. But soon it started raining CATs and DOGs. I was fully wet and was waiting for

the BUS number 230 which would take me to my hostel. But I was not aware of the fact that Bus-230 had two different

routes. There was no bus for the direction I was heading for. By then I was shivering a little. I saw

a Hand-pulled Rickshaw wala came in-front of me and asked my PUZZLED face- DADA KOTHAI JABE (Brother where u will be going?)

I said-" DUM-DUM. And I am waiting for the Bus-230". He put the handle of the Rickshaw down and said- "Bus-230 aager

stoppage e pabe" (You will get bus-230 from the next stoppage). I felt irritated knowing the fact.

He said he can take me there, but will charge Rs-20. I personally never liked to travel in these hand pulled

rickshaws. According to me I would be hurting the puller. But my mother always used to tell me that if everybody started

thinking like me, then how these rickshaw pullers would going to survive.

I thought before my maudlin thoughts trap me with their sentiments I should be heading towards my hostel.

I embarked the rickshaw without giving much thought on wasting Rs-20 extra in-spite of 5 rupees bus fare.

The man carrying me was certainly in his mid 60s. Even he was shivering while carrying me. Somehow I was feeling

little guilty. I started talking to him. I asked him where do you live? He pointed out towards right and said there.

I could see a small slum. Then he started- "But we have to shift from here in sometime. Because these rickshaws will

get banned by the government. And these slums will also get removed from there." I again asked him where he will go then?

Without turning his face he said- "Somewhere else.. Not sure where.." He started again and said- "You know I can live

anywhere but as my wife has some health issues, that only bothers me.. or I can live anywhere.." I didn't

know what to ask.. I tried to sound concerned and asked- "What has happened to your wife?" Again without

turning to my face he said-"Bodo Daktar(Sr. Doctor) told me she has CANCER". I was jaw dropped. I could not utter

a single word till i reached my destination. He put the rickshaw down, made room for me to come out. I handed him a 20 Rs

note. While taking it he said- "Babu God has given us the LIFE and I never ever feel pity about it. I know

I will do something and I know I can take care of her..." I could see a strange SMILE in his face.

A SMILE which was hardly earned but not fake.

A SMILE which was triumph for LIFE in odds.

A SMILE which was for HOPE...

My wet eyes looked at him. And I SMILED him back before boarding my bus-230.

So friends.... SMILE... no matters what happens :)