WIND OF CHANGE....

Its been quite a few days...
The conscious decision which came directly from the gray matter started giving a blow. I wondered, whats actually its heading to..?? Many 'wh' questions started hammering the top. The most confused state is now getting a bit more confused. Heart started pounding at a grater speed. Its loud and clear. The cold hand turned pale. And the wistful eyes started becoming impatient.
My silent voice demanded EXPLANATION...
I tried to listen to me, but unknowingly I was far from me. I was able to see me, but couldn't hold me. I could see the movement of my lips, couldn't figure out the words of it. I could see the impatient eyes, couldn't help it.
I closed my eyes, and between those jumbling figures, colors and faces, I found something that was patient, steady and poised. I thought I was there, just near the end of my quest. Just I had to figure it out what that twinkling thing was, and its going to be over. I pressed my closed eyes to see it more clear, but nothing changed. Clarity was unable to give it a meaning. Uniquely ubiquitous shades have failed to explain. Impatient heartbeats were not loud enough to reach the soul. I gave a last try, but nothing fecundate.
I opened my eyes.... I saw around me. Everything with a reason to justify their presence. I was able to feel each and every justification of each and every unuttered word. A smooth blow of wind touched my face. Heartbeat started becoming calm. Eyes have somehow stopped their impatient search.
I was confused. How suddenly everything started becoming normal? Without knowing the reason of being such impatient. Without being able to find out the meaning of that static thing. Without being answered any of my complex questions. How-come I have started getting back to normal?
Whatever may be the situation is, how confusing the questions are, how unclear it seems to be. If its about you. "YOU KNOW EVERY TINY DETAILS OF IT". Its just you play a hide and seek with your thoughts. You don't want your unconscious thoughts take over your controlled and conscious acts.
Now I know everything I was searching. Now I know every voice I am looking for. Now I know if I am far from me, where exactly I am.
But I have stopped bothering myself. I prefer to play that hide and seek. I prefer not to know things that are harsh. I prefer to walk with the wind and every wind gives me a feeling that "THIS IS A WIND OF CHANGE"

H M BADRUZZAMAN :)

ME AND MY FIGHT....

"NO COMPLAINTS, NO DEMANDS...." funda for a smooth life.. I knew it before I heard ed it. And i believe in it. But today suddenly sitting in the roller coaster of the life, swinging high and low my silent heart beat was fighting with something. The quest was on long back, but sometimes it become inconsequential. Its only for sometime. And when it come back, it come back with a greater hunger...
I always feel proud for my low demands and low complaints, but today I am struggling with EXPECTATIONS. EXPECTATIONS of others from me. I am frightened, I am stressed, I am nervous. I am pushing myself in the search of the Alchemy, the elixir of live. I know I am alive, but somehow LIFE is going far from my Life. I am not sure, I think I am fighting with my EXPECTATIONS only and viewing it in some other way.
I wonder how my EXPECTATIONS have got the unwanted wings?
I wonder how my desires have gone to the zenith?
I wonder how my smile has become so dependent?
I wonder how my eyes started searching its own view in front of them?
I am shattered or rather confused....
Few years back I heard someone saying "H.M I take you for granted". That time I didn't feel anything. But now that very thought makes me impatient. How can someone take me for granted? How can someone even think like that?
I don't know why I have written the above incident? May be to show that in the run of time my EXPECTATIONS have reached to a different height.
I don't know what exactly going through my mind or I don't want to know it. But I want to end this crusade between me and my EXPECTATIONS.....

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY....

The day started with wishes for the FRIENDSHIP'S DAY... A special day dedicated for the most precious gifts in one's life. 'FRIENDS' the word itself creates a different world in our mind. A world where every person is known and where 'you' remain 'you'.
But my heart was dancing in some other tune. Searching something, clear but certainly out of my reach. Not ambiguous, but my mind is not letting me to try to find out the trapped reason. May be my uncontrolled heartbeat is not willing to view the controlled reality of my mind. I was running or rather chasing a dream, but I know, I have reasons for that. Whether it was realistic or not, whether it was logical or not? I was not bothered about those thins, but the reality is, it was tearing me apart into smithereens.
Where is my quantum of solace..??
Where is my satisfaction's seed..??
Where is the horizon of my dreams and reality..??
Where is my calmness..??
Where is my eternal happiness..??
Where is my..................................??????
There were many more striking the gray matter at the same time.

Suddenly someone knocked the door, I opened it.
It was our cook(masi). She is a thin lady, slightly stooped. She entered our kitchen with her blank expression in her face. I went towards her and said "Masi Happy Friendship's Day".
She asked what does that means? I replied with an answer explaining the day, but my answer could hardly make any difference in her face. She looked back to me and asked me whether i can give her Rs. 20. She was having high fever and surviving with almost a zilch. I took out a Rs. 20 note and gave it to her.
I was wondering that how bitter reality of basic needs block the emotions from the heart and mind of we mere humans.
I got something different, something unspeakable, may be a lesson, something to THANK GOD..
I said HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY to me... and closed my eyes......

Suddenly standing on my building's roof, staring the vast sky, pondering something, I wanted to look back. Dont know why? But yes my heart was searching something from the winds coming from my past. In the crowd i always try to figure out myself, that where I stand? Who really am I?
But today my thought's flight was taking me to a strange world. A world having lots of confusions, yet promising a solace..
I wanted to look back when maturity silently took over my childish nature.
I wanted to look back when my understandability took a big leap.
I wanted to look back when my my tears did not remain mine.
I wanted to look back when acceptability made me fragile.
I wanted to look back when "reality" used to be everything, every dream can be changed into reality.
Four years passed, never got a chance to stop and ask myself... "Whether you will look back these days?"
Today I wanted to recall each and every moment of these four years.
They say.."When you are young, you want to conquer the whole world", but I wanted to look back and find the bunch of people that come to our world and make us even think like that.
Today I am proud, as I have created a different world of mine in these years. But I really know the importance of every brick that is being used to make it.
May be a new life is waiting for us, may be something perfect is emerging from the horizon, may be our aspirations will take over our little dreams. But when I try to look inside the horizon, I am forced to stop and LOOK BACK.........

Dedicated to all my college friends, who created a WORLD for me...
LOVE U ALL..

H M Badruzzaman