Sometimes.... Not Sometimes..

Sometime............ I dont know whether it is sometime or more than sometime, but I prefer to start anything with this word 'SOMETIME'. May be, I feel that would make me more dynamic. Ohh yes dynamic. Because if I spend most of my time thinking, then I wont be dynamic.. ;). And that brings me back to my starting line.

Sometime I get confused about my priorities, my desires and my behavior as well. I ask myself- "What you want?" But hardly gets any answer. I mean I am fedup of asking myself about me. But I guess thats the best person to ask.

The dwindling understanding nature, increasing frustratios, monotonous lifestyle, practical goals and illusionist's dream. They all are making things more stiff and unmanageable. The person who have never judged anyone, starts finding faults of others' for his unhappiness. The person for whom CONFIDENCE and HARDWORK have the power to reach and beat anywhere and any destiny, starts using the term LUCK. The dream of winning the world gets confined to mere pragmatic realitis. Speaking confidently on anything without having a smattering of knowledge of it has changed to babbling inspite of knowing everything. From not skipping a single chance of playing CRICKET, to just leave it as not feel like playing. From the energetic champ to a lathergic pal. Things do change in life. I am talking about a general guy here. But the matter of fact is I am not talking about any general guy, in its every bit I placed my image. In every change that I just have mentioned, I was pointing me. But in a way I have tried to make it general. I know WHY?? Because in my every bit of impractical desire, unreached dreams, unheard words, dissatisfied soul- to console it, I have a one line ready made answer- "HUMAN NATURE BOSS.." kabhi khus nai hota...  So, if I manage to make my deeds look like a general way of doing it or a generalize thought, then I have my answer.

I heard them say-"This is the starting of the real Life". I wonder from last 24 years what was it?? A trial..?? Offcourse not... Then why "REAL LIFE" now?? Because now you take your own decision and you are solely responsible for that. That is why its the starting of new Life. Real Life. But I dont buy this because. I see my nephew, 9 months and he takes the decision when to eat, when not to, when to sleep and when to play. Then how can I just become a starter of Real Life..

Well things will change,

Waves will return to the shore,

Clandestine will open up,

The words will have meaning,

Thoughts will glide to have directions,

Eyes will be num,

And Hands will be Cold,

because whether its REAL or NOT... LIFE will MOVE ON...

H M Badruzzaman

SMILE....... Its precious.. :)

It was 2nd week of Feb. I was standing in one of the tacky streets of Kolkata. Slightly lost in my own

whirlpool of thoughts, moving the pen between my fingers and pondering about the mistakes that i had just

committed in my GATE paper. I was sure it had not gone the way I had expected. I thought soon I would be

in the final year. Companies would start hitting the campus. Where I would be standing? Standing tall

or in toe? EXPECTATIONS would get pulverized or i would come out with FLYING COLORS.

Before I could add some more philosophical colors in my thoughts, it started drizzling. I started searching

a roof to save me from the rain. But soon it started raining CATs and DOGs. I was fully wet and was waiting for

the BUS number 230 which would take me to my hostel. But I was not aware of the fact that Bus-230 had two different

routes. There was no bus for the direction I was heading for. By then I was shivering a little. I saw

a Hand-pulled Rickshaw wala came in-front of me and asked my PUZZLED face- DADA KOTHAI JABE (Brother where u will be going?)

I said-" DUM-DUM. And I am waiting for the Bus-230". He put the handle of the Rickshaw down and said- "Bus-230 aager

stoppage e pabe" (You will get bus-230 from the next stoppage). I felt irritated knowing the fact.

He said he can take me there, but will charge Rs-20. I personally never liked to travel in these hand pulled

rickshaws. According to me I would be hurting the puller. But my mother always used to tell me that if everybody started

thinking like me, then how these rickshaw pullers would going to survive.

I thought before my maudlin thoughts trap me with their sentiments I should be heading towards my hostel.

I embarked the rickshaw without giving much thought on wasting Rs-20 extra in-spite of 5 rupees bus fare.

The man carrying me was certainly in his mid 60s. Even he was shivering while carrying me. Somehow I was feeling

little guilty. I started talking to him. I asked him where do you live? He pointed out towards right and said there.

I could see a small slum. Then he started- "But we have to shift from here in sometime. Because these rickshaws will

get banned by the government. And these slums will also get removed from there." I again asked him where he will go then?

Without turning his face he said- "Somewhere else.. Not sure where.." He started again and said- "You know I can live

anywhere but as my wife has some health issues, that only bothers me.. or I can live anywhere.." I didn't

know what to ask.. I tried to sound concerned and asked- "What has happened to your wife?" Again without

turning to my face he said-"Bodo Daktar(Sr. Doctor) told me she has CANCER". I was jaw dropped. I could not utter

a single word till i reached my destination. He put the rickshaw down, made room for me to come out. I handed him a 20 Rs

note. While taking it he said- "Babu God has given us the LIFE and I never ever feel pity about it. I know

I will do something and I know I can take care of her..." I could see a strange SMILE in his face.

A SMILE which was hardly earned but not fake.

A SMILE which was triumph for LIFE in odds.

A SMILE which was for HOPE...

My wet eyes looked at him. And I SMILED him back before boarding my bus-230.

So friends.... SMILE... no matters what happens :)

THE SILENT STAR........

How it feels looking at a star in the vast sky...?
Out of zillions, staring only one..
The silent night, with dazzling diamonds. Yet so calm and yet so gracefully composed.
So far from reach of this earth. Yet so promising. yet so impartable.
The caring stars, watching the earth. Talking and sharing..
So close, yet so far apart..

My eyes strucked to that one star. Listening to her. Amazed in her soothing, silent
voice. I dont know whether she was a part of any constellation or she was alone
in zillions. But there was something, that compelled me to leave my combative mood
and get fascinated with her twinkling charm. I saw my watch- It reads 01:32.
I realised I have spent more than half an hour standing in my balcony, staring that star.
A zephyr hit my face. I went back to my calculations and questions that actually took
me here in my balcony. I was fighting with my thoughts, quite natural for me. Lots of
unanswered questions love to take a tour through my mind. Now-a-days there frequency
has increased a little with few more IFs and BUTs. Every day we grow a day older. And
they say- "The older, the wiser". But sometime I wonder does WISER has anything to do
with CONFUSION and DISSATISFACTION. The more you grow, more aspects of everything
becomes clear. More deeply we can penetrate in our thoughts. More clearly we come
to our conlusions. But then it create CONFUSIONS. Yes it creates COMBATIVE mood.

Earlier a smiling face meant a HAPPY person. But today I fight to conclude was it
sarcastic? Earlier a sentence used to have one meaning, But today a sentence can have
DOUBLE MEANING. Earlier DREAM meant ALLADIN and CHIRAG. But today a dream has forced
to bear a REALISTIC outlook. Earlier GOOD BYE meant just for today. But today
its more than that. Earlier I wanted to be Hero for my parents. But today I
fight to increase my audience. Earlier ASPIRATION was for HAPPINESS. But today
its less for HAPPINESS and more for materialistic paramount.
Earlier lines were straight. But today lines have become less important than DEADLINES.
Eariler race meant 100m in school sports day. But today every moment is seen as a RACE
to prove.
Today..............................

I closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. Felt the heart-beat.
And again looked at the SKY. That star was still looking at me.
Ohhhh sorry actually
I was mesmerized by the calmness of that star. Took me out of the whirlpool of clashing
thoughts. There was an inexplicable consolation for the fighting thoughts from that
TWINKLING beauty. The inarticulate moment got silent words.
Dont know whether I have grown older or wiser. But for sure, now there are many
more questions in my head. And sometime these speechless STARS help me, not by
answering them, but by making me compose with their calm and silent voice...... :)  
   

WIND OF CHANGE....

Its been quite a few days...
The conscious decision which came directly from the gray matter started giving a blow. I wondered, whats actually its heading to..?? Many 'wh' questions started hammering the top. The most confused state is now getting a bit more confused. Heart started pounding at a grater speed. Its loud and clear. The cold hand turned pale. And the wistful eyes started becoming impatient.
My silent voice demanded EXPLANATION...
I tried to listen to me, but unknowingly I was far from me. I was able to see me, but couldn't hold me. I could see the movement of my lips, couldn't figure out the words of it. I could see the impatient eyes, couldn't help it.
I closed my eyes, and between those jumbling figures, colors and faces, I found something that was patient, steady and poised. I thought I was there, just near the end of my quest. Just I had to figure it out what that twinkling thing was, and its going to be over. I pressed my closed eyes to see it more clear, but nothing changed. Clarity was unable to give it a meaning. Uniquely ubiquitous shades have failed to explain. Impatient heartbeats were not loud enough to reach the soul. I gave a last try, but nothing fecundate.
I opened my eyes.... I saw around me. Everything with a reason to justify their presence. I was able to feel each and every justification of each and every unuttered word. A smooth blow of wind touched my face. Heartbeat started becoming calm. Eyes have somehow stopped their impatient search.
I was confused. How suddenly everything started becoming normal? Without knowing the reason of being such impatient. Without being able to find out the meaning of that static thing. Without being answered any of my complex questions. How-come I have started getting back to normal?
Whatever may be the situation is, how confusing the questions are, how unclear it seems to be. If its about you. "YOU KNOW EVERY TINY DETAILS OF IT". Its just you play a hide and seek with your thoughts. You don't want your unconscious thoughts take over your controlled and conscious acts.
Now I know everything I was searching. Now I know every voice I am looking for. Now I know if I am far from me, where exactly I am.
But I have stopped bothering myself. I prefer to play that hide and seek. I prefer not to know things that are harsh. I prefer to walk with the wind and every wind gives me a feeling that "THIS IS A WIND OF CHANGE"

H M BADRUZZAMAN :)

ME AND MY FIGHT....

"NO COMPLAINTS, NO DEMANDS...." funda for a smooth life.. I knew it before I heard ed it. And i believe in it. But today suddenly sitting in the roller coaster of the life, swinging high and low my silent heart beat was fighting with something. The quest was on long back, but sometimes it become inconsequential. Its only for sometime. And when it come back, it come back with a greater hunger...
I always feel proud for my low demands and low complaints, but today I am struggling with EXPECTATIONS. EXPECTATIONS of others from me. I am frightened, I am stressed, I am nervous. I am pushing myself in the search of the Alchemy, the elixir of live. I know I am alive, but somehow LIFE is going far from my Life. I am not sure, I think I am fighting with my EXPECTATIONS only and viewing it in some other way.
I wonder how my EXPECTATIONS have got the unwanted wings?
I wonder how my desires have gone to the zenith?
I wonder how my smile has become so dependent?
I wonder how my eyes started searching its own view in front of them?
I am shattered or rather confused....
Few years back I heard someone saying "H.M I take you for granted". That time I didn't feel anything. But now that very thought makes me impatient. How can someone take me for granted? How can someone even think like that?
I don't know why I have written the above incident? May be to show that in the run of time my EXPECTATIONS have reached to a different height.
I don't know what exactly going through my mind or I don't want to know it. But I want to end this crusade between me and my EXPECTATIONS.....

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY....

The day started with wishes for the FRIENDSHIP'S DAY... A special day dedicated for the most precious gifts in one's life. 'FRIENDS' the word itself creates a different world in our mind. A world where every person is known and where 'you' remain 'you'.
But my heart was dancing in some other tune. Searching something, clear but certainly out of my reach. Not ambiguous, but my mind is not letting me to try to find out the trapped reason. May be my uncontrolled heartbeat is not willing to view the controlled reality of my mind. I was running or rather chasing a dream, but I know, I have reasons for that. Whether it was realistic or not, whether it was logical or not? I was not bothered about those thins, but the reality is, it was tearing me apart into smithereens.
Where is my quantum of solace..??
Where is my satisfaction's seed..??
Where is the horizon of my dreams and reality..??
Where is my calmness..??
Where is my eternal happiness..??
Where is my..................................??????
There were many more striking the gray matter at the same time.

Suddenly someone knocked the door, I opened it.
It was our cook(masi). She is a thin lady, slightly stooped. She entered our kitchen with her blank expression in her face. I went towards her and said "Masi Happy Friendship's Day".
She asked what does that means? I replied with an answer explaining the day, but my answer could hardly make any difference in her face. She looked back to me and asked me whether i can give her Rs. 20. She was having high fever and surviving with almost a zilch. I took out a Rs. 20 note and gave it to her.
I was wondering that how bitter reality of basic needs block the emotions from the heart and mind of we mere humans.
I got something different, something unspeakable, may be a lesson, something to THANK GOD..
I said HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY to me... and closed my eyes......

Suddenly standing on my building's roof, staring the vast sky, pondering something, I wanted to look back. Dont know why? But yes my heart was searching something from the winds coming from my past. In the crowd i always try to figure out myself, that where I stand? Who really am I?
But today my thought's flight was taking me to a strange world. A world having lots of confusions, yet promising a solace..
I wanted to look back when maturity silently took over my childish nature.
I wanted to look back when my understandability took a big leap.
I wanted to look back when my my tears did not remain mine.
I wanted to look back when acceptability made me fragile.
I wanted to look back when "reality" used to be everything, every dream can be changed into reality.
Four years passed, never got a chance to stop and ask myself... "Whether you will look back these days?"
Today I wanted to recall each and every moment of these four years.
They say.."When you are young, you want to conquer the whole world", but I wanted to look back and find the bunch of people that come to our world and make us even think like that.
Today I am proud, as I have created a different world of mine in these years. But I really know the importance of every brick that is being used to make it.
May be a new life is waiting for us, may be something perfect is emerging from the horizon, may be our aspirations will take over our little dreams. But when I try to look inside the horizon, I am forced to stop and LOOK BACK.........

Dedicated to all my college friends, who created a WORLD for me...
LOVE U ALL..

H M Badruzzaman