ME AND MY FIGHT....

"NO COMPLAINTS, NO DEMANDS...." funda for a smooth life.. I knew it before I heard ed it. And i believe in it. But today suddenly sitting in the roller coaster of the life, swinging high and low my silent heart beat was fighting with something. The quest was on long back, but sometimes it become inconsequential. Its only for sometime. And when it come back, it come back with a greater hunger...
I always feel proud for my low demands and low complaints, but today I am struggling with EXPECTATIONS. EXPECTATIONS of others from me. I am frightened, I am stressed, I am nervous. I am pushing myself in the search of the Alchemy, the elixir of live. I know I am alive, but somehow LIFE is going far from my Life. I am not sure, I think I am fighting with my EXPECTATIONS only and viewing it in some other way.
I wonder how my EXPECTATIONS have got the unwanted wings?
I wonder how my desires have gone to the zenith?
I wonder how my smile has become so dependent?
I wonder how my eyes started searching its own view in front of them?
I am shattered or rather confused....
Few years back I heard someone saying "H.M I take you for granted". That time I didn't feel anything. But now that very thought makes me impatient. How can someone take me for granted? How can someone even think like that?
I don't know why I have written the above incident? May be to show that in the run of time my EXPECTATIONS have reached to a different height.
I don't know what exactly going through my mind or I don't want to know it. But I want to end this crusade between me and my EXPECTATIONS.....

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY....

The day started with wishes for the FRIENDSHIP'S DAY... A special day dedicated for the most precious gifts in one's life. 'FRIENDS' the word itself creates a different world in our mind. A world where every person is known and where 'you' remain 'you'.
But my heart was dancing in some other tune. Searching something, clear but certainly out of my reach. Not ambiguous, but my mind is not letting me to try to find out the trapped reason. May be my uncontrolled heartbeat is not willing to view the controlled reality of my mind. I was running or rather chasing a dream, but I know, I have reasons for that. Whether it was realistic or not, whether it was logical or not? I was not bothered about those thins, but the reality is, it was tearing me apart into smithereens.
Where is my quantum of solace..??
Where is my satisfaction's seed..??
Where is the horizon of my dreams and reality..??
Where is my calmness..??
Where is my eternal happiness..??
Where is my..................................??????
There were many more striking the gray matter at the same time.

Suddenly someone knocked the door, I opened it.
It was our cook(masi). She is a thin lady, slightly stooped. She entered our kitchen with her blank expression in her face. I went towards her and said "Masi Happy Friendship's Day".
She asked what does that means? I replied with an answer explaining the day, but my answer could hardly make any difference in her face. She looked back to me and asked me whether i can give her Rs. 20. She was having high fever and surviving with almost a zilch. I took out a Rs. 20 note and gave it to her.
I was wondering that how bitter reality of basic needs block the emotions from the heart and mind of we mere humans.
I got something different, something unspeakable, may be a lesson, something to THANK GOD..
I said HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY to me... and closed my eyes......

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY...

The day started with wishes for the FRIENDSHIP'S DAY... A special day dedicated for the most precious gifts in one's life. 'FRIENDS' the word itself creates a different world in our mind. A world where every person is known and where 'you' remain 'you'.
But my heart was dancing in some other tune. Searching something, clear but certainly out of my reach. Not ambiguous, but my mind is not letting me to try to find out the trapped reason. May be my uncontrolled heartbeat is not willing to view the controlled reality of my mind. I was running or rather chasing a dream, but I know, I have reasons for that. Whether it was realistic or not, whether it was logical or not? I was not bothered about those thins, but the reality is, it was tearing me apart into smithereens.
Where is my quantum of solace..??
Where is my satisfaction's seed..??
Where is the horizon of my dreams and reality..??
Where is my calmness..??
Where is my eternal happiness..??
Where is my..................................??????
There were many more striking the gray matter at the same time.

Suddenly someone knocked the door, I opened it.
It was our cook(masi). She is a thin lady, slightly stooped. She entered our kitchen with her blank expression in her face. I went towards her and said "Masi Happy Friendship's Day".
She asked what does that means? I replied with an answer explaining the day, but my answer could hardly make any difference in her face. She looked back to me and asked me whether i can give her Rs. 20. She was having high fever and surviving with almost a zilch. I took out a Rs. 20 note and gave it to her.
I was wondering that how bitter reality of basic needs block the emotions from the heart and mind of we mere humans.
I got something different, something unspeakable, may be a lesson, something to THANK GOD..
I said HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY to me... and closed my eyes......

Suddenly standing on my building's roof, staring the vast sky, pondering something, I wanted to look back. Dont know why? But yes my heart was searching something from the winds coming from my past. In the crowd i always try to figure out myself, that where I stand? Who really am I?
But today my thought's flight was taking me to a strange world. A world having lots of confusions, yet promising a solace..
I wanted to look back when maturity silently took over my childish nature.
I wanted to look back when my understandability took a big leap.
I wanted to look back when my my tears did not remain mine.
I wanted to look back when acceptability made me fragile.
I wanted to look back when "reality" used to be everything, every dream can be changed into reality.
Four years passed, never got a chance to stop and ask myself... "Whether you will look back these days?"
Today I wanted to recall each and every moment of these four years.
They say.."When you are young, you want to conquer the whole world", but I wanted to look back and find the bunch of people that come to our world and make us even think like that.
Today I am proud, as I have created a different world of mine in these years. But I really know the importance of every brick that is being used to make it.
May be a new life is waiting for us, may be something perfect is emerging from the horizon, may be our aspirations will take over our little dreams. But when I try to look inside the horizon, I am forced to stop and LOOK BACK.........

Dedicated to all my college friends, who created a WORLD for me...
LOVE U ALL..

H M Badruzzaman